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Thanksgiving... my dad... my birthday...

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Ugh. The 26th on this Month is Thanksgiving... Anyone else know what day that is?

Anyone? ...

The day my dad died. What a terrible thing for life to do. How ironic is it that Thanksgiving happens to fall on my dad's death date? So, when were going around the table telling our family what were thankful for what should I say? hmmmm...

"I am thankful that my dad died this very same day a couple years ago. I am so very thankful I am reminded by it, and can't seem to heal. I am thankful my step dad doesn't want to be a dad to me. I am thankful every time I see people with their dad's I want to cry because it will NEVER be that way for me again. I am thankful that I didn't realize I would miss my dad when he was gone. Thankful that for the rest of my life it's going to be that way. I am thankful people lied when they say all wounds heal with time because they don't. I am thankful that I am reminded so often of his death that the almost healed wounds rip open again. I am thankful I can't have a birthday with out being sad knowing my dad's funeral was on my birthday. I am thankful I have such a great life."

Then, should I say amen? Stand up and take a bow? or look at the person next to me letting them know it was their turn?

hmmm....

Aside from all the pain I learned the most important lesson in life. You don't realize what you have until its gone.

You will miss me.

You will miss me when I go
You will want the girl you used to know
Unique and different she'll never be near
You'll be wishing she was here
The girl you changed to meet your needs
To satisfy your wrong deeds
The lost girl determined to be found
Successful that girl was to be bound
She is gone you'll miss her so
You'll miss the girl you used to know

Swine Flu

Hopefully you guys have noticed that I have not been in school for the past week. I got the swine flu. It started by me laying on the couch and my mom looked at me and said my eyes were blood shot. My parents literally locked me in my room. They put a TV that had dish network on it and wouldn't let me leave my room. My mom brought me all my meals. They were afraid I had swine flu. (Swine flu can kill my step dad with his bleeding disorder. His body could turn agaisnt him and kill him.) I had a fever of 102.2 and so my mom took me to the doctors the next day.
They gave me medication for my sinuses, my cough, and anti swine pills. I also set a a date for physical therapy, and had to get a X-ray on my chest they were worried I had fluid in my lungs. I didn't.
7 days in my room sucked. I literally thought I was going to go crazy. On day two I was walking to the bathroom and everything got dark and I couldn't see and I then woke up on the floor. I had blacked out or passed out. I called my mom and she helped me up. I couldn't walk straight.
Day 4 I got a bloody nose that wouldnt stop for an hour and a half. I went to the hospital and they couldnt get it to stop. My burned the vein inside of my nose to close it but then i sneezed and broke it open again.

I now feel a little better but I cant get my body to eat. Everything tasts disgusting and my aunt saw me in the store today and was really worried she said I look way too skinny, and that it isnt healthy. :(

(This may not make any sense to any of you. It's about my dad who loved snow he would always take walks in it when he got stressed; It made him happy. The last Christmas I spent with him I was fighting with him and his new family. He yelled at me because I still believed in Santa Claus. I was little confused and hurt. I was really upset because Santa Claus was what Christmas spirit was. I remember him crying saying, "Kacee Santa Clause doesn't exist. He did once. He took presants to little kids all around the world, but that was back when the world was small. He doesn't now. That would be impossible." I just remember standing there crying in my big shoes and jacket that was too big for me. I didn't want him to hug me ever again. He told me he loved me and I rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't hear him. He ruined my Christmas. I went back to the house and cried to my mom on the phone. After he died... The next Christmas after that I was still a little mad at him for ruining Christmas I told my mom and she started crying she said, "Kacee your dad called me that night upset. He said Shannon what do I do? I need help. What do I do?" I now kick myself everytime Christmas rolls around for ever being mad at him especially after he called my mom to have her fix it. So here is my story about it. If any of you guys say you hate snow after reading this ill be SOOOO mad at you. Atleast don't say it infront of me.)

Never did it cross my mind until that very day... I walked into that funeral home; the snow that lit up the gray... I watched my mom as she told me about how much my dad had loved it so... A new perspective hit me harder then I would ever know... Snow that seemed so ugly, cold, and a burden to bare... Now became the answer to my upsetting parayer. When I see it snowing I think back to the day when all the snow was fallen... And you weren't yet gone away... You were taking the dog for a walk and asked me to go... Christmas that year was a hard one you asked me to take a walk through the snow... We talked about how you loved me and I rolled my eyes and looked away... Never had I cried so hard before your dying day... I thought you ruined Christmas; I was so upset to find out that Santa Claus wasn't real... This holiday means nothing now, ruining Christmas wasn't part of the deal... Now that your dead I swear I see you standing in the snow...

As if your waiting for me to come, asking me to go... A memory that is so bad but also helped me see, the snow is like your love for me. When it snows I no longer see the bitter cold, I see my dad's love again starting to unfold.

Can You Hear It Calling

Can you hear it calling

when you lie awake in your bed.

With all the thoughts that rid your head

the thoughts that make you smile

When all your wishing seems worth while

Can you hear it calling

when you hear his name

his voice it makes you go insane

as you write your name's in hearts

as the pounding in your chest starts

Can you hear it calling

a journal filled with pages about him

a love so bright will never dim

as you tell your best friend about your crush

wondering if he saw you blush

Can you hear it calling

deep within your soul

it makes you loose your self control

a role that plays no part

deep within your very heart

Like A Drug

like a drug you pull me in
sweeter than the sweetest sin
making me want you, crave you, love you
to my heart your promised to be true
but like all things that come to pass
all the happyness it will never last
like a drug you made me seeing things
better then what life brings
you made me want forever with you
Trusting my heart I wanted you to be true
Now I see it clear as can be
like a drug you played with me
In the end with a shattered heart
in the end love played no part
Rotten insides and needing theropy
Still craving you... you and me

Leading me on....

I thought Jared and I finally started to fix things. Finally! He always asks for hugs says sweet things crap like that. He even said he still "loves" me and wants to fix things. So, here we are trying to fix things. Finally things go right.

I see Carley in the halls at school, I see them together, and hear they are together, and corney as it sounds I swear my heart breaks all over again.

So what? Is Jared just leading me on? It sure seems like that. I hate Carley. She is such a selfish bitch. She ruined everything for me with her complaining.

He just lied to me saying him, Andreas, Stephan, and Carley were going to juvy, and getting suspended. I was upset especially when he said he was joking. It was not funny. Then, I was already hurt from seeing him and Carley flirting in the halls today. I didn't need to hear she was with him.

After school he asked why I looked upset I just told him I didn't know and that I just had a bad feeling... Little did he know he was the cause of it. I ran off my anger at cross country until he texted me saying he was with her.

I just ugh. Can I move? Please? I don't need some selfish jerk toying with my emotions I really can't handle much more...

How Loved That Man Became

Never did I notice as people filled the chairs

Looking at the sorrow in their faces and their stares

Never had it hit me harder then that day

When all the world had fallin into a dark depressing gray

People coming to see whats left of the man they come to know

Assuring me they'd miss the man and how they loved him so.

Never did it occure to me how loved that man became
Until I saw the room fill; the number of people was insane.

Regretting not telling the sad faces how I loved him so

Learning that day he loved me more then I would ever know.

Stuck with memory of how full the room was that day,

I learned he was loved more then words could ever say.

The Lost Message

"When he was a kid, his grandfather had told him a World War I story about a solider who had lost a message warning of an imminent enemy attack. Afterward the solider always blamed himself for the terrible casualties and went through life looking in gutters and under stones for the lost message."
I was reading a book by Mary Higgins Clark and when I read this it immediately caught my eye. I don't know why I like it so much. I can picture it in my head so well.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm like the solider. I blame myself for my dad's death because I had wished he would die; and he did. So, for the rest of my life I will be looking for a way to make up for killing my dad. I will always blame myself, and look for peace for the rest of my life. In the soldiers case looking for the message under stones and in gutters for the rest of his life.

The last what seems like forever posts are directly from my journal. I had a feeling I should put them on here. Like a gut feeling... So I did. So, Rachelle if you don't want to read about your brother I suggest you find another blog to read. Or anyone in that matter. I bet all my friends don't want to hear about it. I know eventually I would get sick of it.

I apologize to Rachelle. I guess I get how weird it is that someone like me would go out with your brother, but if you think about it... We were never really that close. Sure, we hung out every once in a while but that was really it. I didn't think you would be mad, but I guess I was wrong. So, I'm sorry for making things weird for you, and I hope you'll forgive me.

Jared isn't as terrible as a person I made him out to be in my journal... I was really... Really hurt, and I was venting. Something I usually don't do... I really really miss him. Today I wanted to text him, and well of course I did. I really miss him. Ugh. I don't know what to do.

Hopefully things will unfold into something worth waiting for... Part of me is so sick of waiting. I don't want to be like Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, or Snow White. Haha. Stupid princesses worthless in every way except looking pretty. What kind of girl would want to wait around for a prince to save them? Why not take control and slay the ugly step mom, or witch, or whatever by themselves. Haha. I guess they didn't have a choice. Still though they were sleeping at least two of the three were. Haha. Like I said worthless...

Haha. Sorry I've been helping my grandpa load up the truck and everything all day. This is the first time I have had a break all day. I smell like a man, cuts and scrapes everywhere, I'm sun burn't, and now I think I'm going crazy because everything is funny! Katie and I were talking about sand paper and I just went on... My whole family was busting up because I was making no sense. lol.

9.25.09 what to do.....

I didn't go to school again today. Grandma's brother is dying and grandma drove to Wyoming to see him. Therefore I got stuck watching chase.
I guess you could say these two days of school off helped. Seeing Jared so happy and me being miserable just wasn't that fun.

Mom thinks because I was already sick being stressed was making me even sicker. I get that. It seems I'm always sick. I just learned to not complain.

Yesterday, Jared and I talked on the phone. I told him he only had ten minutes and it turned into an hour and twenty minutes. I pretty much told him everything I have written in my journal the past few weeks. In the end it seemed like he got it. I hope. That or he was just pretending so we can stop fighting. I bet lately I've sounded like a pretty big bitch. In fact I know I have. I granted myself that authority. I've gone through a lot of crap in my life so for a little while I should be mean. I don't think should have complete control of themselves all the time. Every once in a while everyone cracks.

As we all can tell I don't know what I'm going to do with Jared and all this. Clearly I still love him and miss him so so so much. My whole family hates him though. They tell me not to take him back. Well Mainley my mom and Katie. You're probably thinking who cares what they think! but really, my mom and sister scare the crap out of me. It just bugs me they wait til I have a complete melt down before they decide to care. Another problem is his friends apparently they don't want us back together because we keep hurting each other. Also, his family pretty much hates me it seems.
Hopefully we can figure it out. Who would have known I could get myself caught up in such a big mess. I really like Jared, but it could just be a stage. But what kind of stage lasts over 5 months? Ugh.
------------------------------------

9-24-09

Yesterday, I didn't talk to Jared.
In shop we were walking out of the class to walk into the shop and I saw him staring at me through the window. He looked happy. School gets so depressing without him... Especially when I see him with Carley. Goll, I hate her so much!

Jared's been texting me all morning... He says he misses me. and Ugh. His mood swings are killing me. grr.

9.22.09 2:31am Moths...

I woke up and I can't sleep. The moths are eating my stomach again. I want to throw up. I wish I could. Every last piece of me.
It bugs me they are together and happy and just fine and dandy. Then, here I am suffering THIS much.
This is why I didn't want to let anyone in. This always happens. I want to cry but I cant get the tears to come out. Just these STUPID moths.

9:28pm
Yeah... This morning I woke up a total mess. I miss him so darn much. Steve is in Nevada right now for a singing thing. I woke up and mom say me. She asked why I was up and I told her about the moths. She told me to get milk. Then, she let me turn on a movie in her room. She got it for once. Like she was actually worried. When I turned the movie on I fell asleep.


Jared is putting me on a emotional roller coaster. I seriously wanted to die last night. So I let my friend and Jared know, This morning he pretended to be all worried about me. Then, Ugh... This is what really pushed my buttons...
He said he still loved me. ugh. I wanted to bawl. I said sure. Then I said,
"What happened then when you said you didn't love me?"
He said that I had took it wrong and he me and he needed more time to heal.
Also, he said he wasn't trying to make me jealous yesterday.

<3/ the bundle of nerves....

9-21-09 Seeing them together.

So, today completely sucked... I told Jared I didn't want to be friends because he hurt me so much....
H was with Carley all day today. I didn't think it would hurt me as much as it does. Every time I saw them in the halls they were together. Kinda like Jared and I used to be...

Then, after school them and a big group of friends were like holding hands in a circle. I bet they both liked that...

I went to cross country determined to run all my bad feelings away, and I did. Until I got back to the school. There they were in the same spot talking. I got dressed and when I walked out they were sitting alone on a bench together. Then, he got up and walked away like he used to do to me pretending to be mad. Then, they went and layed under a tree together. Ugh. I want to die. I'm so hurt. If he thought it would make me jealous... It did.

I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy.
That's what I have been trying to tell myself. So far I've only had my eyes water...

Want to know what I think? I think Jared is the selfish one. If he has the nerves to want to hurt my feelings that makes him selfish.
I called him a jerk and he said I made him the way he is. =[
No one can change him. Only he can. Right?

You know those butterflies in my stomach? Well now those are moths eating me from the inside out. Now I remember why I hated butterflies so much. I'M SO HURT!!! So... So... HURT!

At cross country I ran all my pain away. Until I saw them. I'll run ten more miles as long as this pain goes away.

Katie was talking to Ethan about how she hated Jared, and she told him we broke up. He asked if it was the Ciara Marsh thing. What Ciara Marsh thing?!? Was he cheating more?
...
Was I really that crappy of a girl friend?
Gosh...
I'm so ready to just crumble into a ball and roll away forever... (haha Corney.)

Grandma and grandpa are moving next week. Can't I just go with them? Please! Another fresh start.
Ugh... Anywhere but here.

Before Jared I had given up on guys completely. I wanted to be left alone. Then, he came and promised me he would treat me right.
Why did I listen!?!?! Stupid me. This is all his fault. I really just felt burnt out the day he was flirting with Katie. That hurt so much. It all was so sudden and just ended so quickly. What am I supposed to do now? School sucks without him.

9-20-09 Moving.

Grandma and Grandpa are moving back to Alaska next week. I'll only be here for about four more months. Lets out on a smiley FAKE and be happy!

So, now I'll be in a house for four months with a step dad who refuses to talk to me, who hates me, and is now in complete control... great.

9.20.09 What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

No sign of the Carley obsessed Jerk.
He's left me to be. Maybe it's a good thing he is leaving me alone. Of course right now the only thing that is bothering me on the subject of Jared is that he called me selfish. I hid all my problems from him because I wanted him to love me for me, not the girl he feels bad for. Unlike Carley. Then, he told me to tell him if anything was bothering me; so I did and he called me selfish.
As stuck up as it sounds I don't think I'm selfish.
Ugh... speak of the devil he texted me.

Our conversation:
"Hey, if you want your necklace back it will be in the locker after 1st."
Kacee-
"I'm cleaning it out and giving you everything of yours back right when I get to school. You can have my jacket until I find yours. I guess forever isn't as long as we thought it would be."
Jared-
"I still want to be friends... And I never said you had to move out. I want you to stay because you back doesn't need extra weight, and I gave that stuff to you to keep, not to return."
Kacee-
"I don't want to be friends. I want to give you your stuff back because throwing it away will kill me. I don't want to be in your way. My back will be fine. What ever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. I'll find a guy who wont call me selfish when I'm crying to him over the phone."

Now he is saying after I broke up with him he had no feelings for me. Ouch. I'm acting all tough but tomorrow I'll fall apart. Ugh.
So, my next guy is going to be two inches taller than me. :D Heck yes!

------------------
Smiley fake.
------------------

Rain, rain go away come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun.

-----------------

A twist in my love story

by me...

He holds me when I'm falling apart.

He's the missing piece of my heart.

He holds my waste and whispers in my ears.

He listens to my every fear.

His smile brightens up my day.

He is just one phone call away.

He's the boy every girl dreams of.

He's the perfect match; the one I love.

There is just one thing you need to know.

I dream about him,

but he loves her so....

-----------------------------------------

Tomorrow, I'll go back to Kacee Llewelyn. Katie's kid sister. The girl no guys wants. With black hair and Blondie eyes brows. The nobody. The tall girl people can really love, or really hate.

<3/>

9-19-09 While sitting at a wedding...

It sucks, sitting at a wedding watching a happy couple being sealed together with a kiss in front of everyone they know. Despite what everyone is thinking they smile showing everyone they don't care what everyone else thinks. They love each other. Right before they kiss you get a text from your boyfriend saying, "were through". Then, you look up to see the happy couple kiss and feel some tears stinging your eyes. The rest of the night you hold back the tears as you smile and tell everyone how cute the wedding is...
Jared broke up with me.
Last night grandma and grandpa were fighting. Grandma was going to leave grandpa. I was talking to Jared on the phone crying and he didn't even notice. Guess what he talked about? Just guess...
"Oh I have to rest I was at Carley's all day today helping them move. I'll be there all night too. I need to clean out the van to help Carley move too." I said, "Have fun being a slave." Then, I wake up to a text,
"Ugh, I'm so hungry I've been working at Carley's. I wont be able to text because my phone is dead and I'm at Carley's."
Carley. Carley. Carley.
He has been with her none stop. He said he would cut back on it for me, but he didn't.
Jared's always like,
"Poor Carley her parents are getting a divorce. I'm her only friend. She needs me. Her mom, her. and her siblings have to move a whole nine miles across town."
Never was it...
Poor Kacee her parents divorced as a kid. She had no friends. She had no one to turn to when she was little. Her mom, her, and her two sisters moved halfway across the country from their druggie of a dad who abused her mom, almost killed them, and was hurting, and stalking her mom.
Never was it poor Kacee she forgave her dad after years of hating him, and wishing he was dead; he died. She has to carry that guilt around with her every day. She can't stop thinking about it.
Never was it poor Kacee her mom married again to man who tells her she is just a stuck up teenager. He calls people and complains about Kacee and how horrible she is, who told her he wanted out of her life that he was sick of being a dad to her, and the only reason he is staying around is for her mom and little brother. Her step dad hasn't talked to her for two weeks, but he talks to everyone else.
No, not poor Kacee she constantly worries about her mom sinking into the depression she was in when Kacee was little. Kacee went home from school in "help mom mode" where she tried to cheer her mom up, but stupid Kacee you're too little. You couldn't possibly understand depression.
Forget Kacee, she only came to learn seven years later her dad cheated on her mom.
NOT POOR KACEE!!!
Poor Carley.

Don't worry about your girlfriend who was crying to you over the phone telling and you still didn't notice. It's okay. All that matters is poor poor Carley. Gosh, I just feel terrible for her.
Just
Terrible....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared told me if anything was bothering me to tell him, and when I did he called me selfish.

NO! Want to know what selfish is?
When someone complains to the guy she likes despite he has a girlfriend that her life is so terrible. Just so he will feel bad for her and help her. THAT'S SELFISH!

You don't see me bawling to Jared how bad my life sucks. No. I suck it up, write in my journal, and put on the happy face so everyone sees "the real" Kacee.

My new favorite song: (its in my playlist on my blog if you want to listen with the lyrics I wrote down.)

Its Now it's Over

by Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

yup...

<3/>

9-16-09 He took me back... for now.

I got Jared back today. So, there is a boy I know. His name is Stephan and he asked me out. He is impatient about it. He's liked me for a while.

I told Jared about it and he instantly got annoyed.
He walked me to class and said,
"I'll tell you at lunch what my decision is." I said, "Good because Stephan is getting a little impatient." He said,
"What do you mean?" I said,
"He asked me out and is getting impatient for my answer." He said,
"Ugh that's annoying. I don't like him now." I just laughed and left.

Then, after school I stayed to do math and science when I was finished Jared was still there. We got back together then.

Then, I helped at cross country, and on the way home I talked to mom. I said,
"I don't know if it bothers you, but Jared and I are back together." We talked...
She said that she doesn't mind it but doesn't want me to waste my time on one guy. Also, she hates the he guilt trips me into wanting him back. That was my own decision he did nothing.

9-15-09 Mind games

(Sorry Rachelle. It must be weird reading about your brother. Sorry.)

Yesterday I didn't finish writing. I feel asleep on the couch. I left my journal open for mom to easily read... crap.

Continuing from yesterday...

After our awkward but nice hugs when I got home I asked what he wanted to do. He asked my opinion. I told him I was hurt, sorry, and missed him. I also told him I wasn't going to go into details because I didn't want my opinions to change his. Makes sense right?
He said he was confused and didn't know what he wants.

Today:

Texting during school he was telling me that he was confused and hurt. He said the night I broke up with him if felt like I tied strings to his heart and was playing with it... I came unglued! He shouldn't be the one saying that. Especially when HE cheated on ME! He took his ex-girlfriend to homecoming. Pretty much. URGH! He didn't even bother telling me 'til he was with her.

Now who again was playing with whose heart?

Mom keeps asking me what my plans with Jared are. She doesn't want me to take him back. She thinks he is a terrible person but he really isn't. At least in my eyes.