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Thanksgiving... my dad... my birthday...

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Ugh. The 26th on this Month is Thanksgiving... Anyone else know what day that is?

Anyone? ...

The day my dad died. What a terrible thing for life to do. How ironic is it that Thanksgiving happens to fall on my dad's death date? So, when were going around the table telling our family what were thankful for what should I say? hmmmm...

"I am thankful that my dad died this very same day a couple years ago. I am so very thankful I am reminded by it, and can't seem to heal. I am thankful my step dad doesn't want to be a dad to me. I am thankful every time I see people with their dad's I want to cry because it will NEVER be that way for me again. I am thankful that I didn't realize I would miss my dad when he was gone. Thankful that for the rest of my life it's going to be that way. I am thankful people lied when they say all wounds heal with time because they don't. I am thankful that I am reminded so often of his death that the almost healed wounds rip open again. I am thankful I can't have a birthday with out being sad knowing my dad's funeral was on my birthday. I am thankful I have such a great life."

Then, should I say amen? Stand up and take a bow? or look at the person next to me letting them know it was their turn?

hmmm....

Aside from all the pain I learned the most important lesson in life. You don't realize what you have until its gone.

You will miss me.

You will miss me when I go
You will want the girl you used to know
Unique and different she'll never be near
You'll be wishing she was here
The girl you changed to meet your needs
To satisfy your wrong deeds
The lost girl determined to be found
Successful that girl was to be bound
She is gone you'll miss her so
You'll miss the girl you used to know

Swine Flu

Hopefully you guys have noticed that I have not been in school for the past week. I got the swine flu. It started by me laying on the couch and my mom looked at me and said my eyes were blood shot. My parents literally locked me in my room. They put a TV that had dish network on it and wouldn't let me leave my room. My mom brought me all my meals. They were afraid I had swine flu. (Swine flu can kill my step dad with his bleeding disorder. His body could turn agaisnt him and kill him.) I had a fever of 102.2 and so my mom took me to the doctors the next day.
They gave me medication for my sinuses, my cough, and anti swine pills. I also set a a date for physical therapy, and had to get a X-ray on my chest they were worried I had fluid in my lungs. I didn't.
7 days in my room sucked. I literally thought I was going to go crazy. On day two I was walking to the bathroom and everything got dark and I couldn't see and I then woke up on the floor. I had blacked out or passed out. I called my mom and she helped me up. I couldn't walk straight.
Day 4 I got a bloody nose that wouldnt stop for an hour and a half. I went to the hospital and they couldnt get it to stop. My burned the vein inside of my nose to close it but then i sneezed and broke it open again.

I now feel a little better but I cant get my body to eat. Everything tasts disgusting and my aunt saw me in the store today and was really worried she said I look way too skinny, and that it isnt healthy. :(

(This may not make any sense to any of you. It's about my dad who loved snow he would always take walks in it when he got stressed; It made him happy. The last Christmas I spent with him I was fighting with him and his new family. He yelled at me because I still believed in Santa Claus. I was little confused and hurt. I was really upset because Santa Claus was what Christmas spirit was. I remember him crying saying, "Kacee Santa Clause doesn't exist. He did once. He took presants to little kids all around the world, but that was back when the world was small. He doesn't now. That would be impossible." I just remember standing there crying in my big shoes and jacket that was too big for me. I didn't want him to hug me ever again. He told me he loved me and I rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't hear him. He ruined my Christmas. I went back to the house and cried to my mom on the phone. After he died... The next Christmas after that I was still a little mad at him for ruining Christmas I told my mom and she started crying she said, "Kacee your dad called me that night upset. He said Shannon what do I do? I need help. What do I do?" I now kick myself everytime Christmas rolls around for ever being mad at him especially after he called my mom to have her fix it. So here is my story about it. If any of you guys say you hate snow after reading this ill be SOOOO mad at you. Atleast don't say it infront of me.)

Never did it cross my mind until that very day... I walked into that funeral home; the snow that lit up the gray... I watched my mom as she told me about how much my dad had loved it so... A new perspective hit me harder then I would ever know... Snow that seemed so ugly, cold, and a burden to bare... Now became the answer to my upsetting parayer. When I see it snowing I think back to the day when all the snow was fallen... And you weren't yet gone away... You were taking the dog for a walk and asked me to go... Christmas that year was a hard one you asked me to take a walk through the snow... We talked about how you loved me and I rolled my eyes and looked away... Never had I cried so hard before your dying day... I thought you ruined Christmas; I was so upset to find out that Santa Claus wasn't real... This holiday means nothing now, ruining Christmas wasn't part of the deal... Now that your dead I swear I see you standing in the snow...

As if your waiting for me to come, asking me to go... A memory that is so bad but also helped me see, the snow is like your love for me. When it snows I no longer see the bitter cold, I see my dad's love again starting to unfold.

Can You Hear It Calling

Can you hear it calling

when you lie awake in your bed.

With all the thoughts that rid your head

the thoughts that make you smile

When all your wishing seems worth while

Can you hear it calling

when you hear his name

his voice it makes you go insane

as you write your name's in hearts

as the pounding in your chest starts

Can you hear it calling

a journal filled with pages about him

a love so bright will never dim

as you tell your best friend about your crush

wondering if he saw you blush

Can you hear it calling

deep within your soul

it makes you loose your self control

a role that plays no part

deep within your very heart

Like A Drug

like a drug you pull me in
sweeter than the sweetest sin
making me want you, crave you, love you
to my heart your promised to be true
but like all things that come to pass
all the happyness it will never last
like a drug you made me seeing things
better then what life brings
you made me want forever with you
Trusting my heart I wanted you to be true
Now I see it clear as can be
like a drug you played with me
In the end with a shattered heart
in the end love played no part
Rotten insides and needing theropy
Still craving you... you and me