Love doesn't last forever.

In the beginning. I felt it. Stronger than before.
After a while what I felt. became no more.
I wonder what had happened. what went wrong?
Maybe love and I didn't belong.
We spend our life times searching for something that isn't so.
Then, one day I discovered what the human race didn't know.
We hurt the people who love us. and love the ones that don't love us back.
All because one word got our lives off track.
We long for the feeling we get from the start.
Looking for a person to fix your "broken heart."
We feel it in the beginning, lost it in the middle, and hurt someone in the end.
Love doesn't last forever. Love is just pretend.

No, I am not broken hearted and crap like that I am just fine. (In case anyone was wondering, or even cared.) I just got these great idea's for poems and had to write them down. Not saying that I wasn't broken hearted... So I guess you could say I based this poem off the past.

Jessica's First Sleep Over At My House.

Hey everyone who cares, everyone who pretends to care, and everyone who is just plain bored and has nothing better to do.
Jessica slept over at my house last night... :(
I feel so bad. I told her it was a bad idea but she didn't listen. I haven't had a friend sleep over in two years. The first year I was here I was depressed and the thought of trying to make someone else comfortable when I can't even make myself comfortable would be just to much to deal with. Then, the other year I just didn't invite anyone. It's not like anyone would want to come meet my exotic family.
So, we started the day by watching transformers at the movies... the new one. IT WAS AWSOME!!!
Then, we got to my house and I like panicked. I've been to plenty of other people's houses to know some things that really bug me. So, I sat there freaking out wondering if she was bored, if she was not feeling good. Yeah. So... I am pretty sure I got annoying to her trying to figure out if there was anything she needed. If the things I picked were good enough. I just UGH!
SORRY JESSICA!!!

Yeah... I feel terrible right now. I haven't had a friend over in forever.

Pictures from Moab trip.

I have more from the river, but I took them with a camera that needs to be developed. So, here are my digital pictures.
These are out stick figures that are made of glow sticks.

Hayden climbing the arches.

Wow, I really look like crap in this picture... EW!

This is my buddy Hunter. He is so cool in his own way, and freakishly skinny.

This is Hayden.

Hunter again.

My Trip!

I'm back! Home sweet home! Now, I did take pictures but they are still in my water proof camera and my digital camera. I would go get them right now but I am so exhuasted!
........
Okay so I realize with my posts they are so boring because I get into detail and there you guys are sitting there reading me rambling on and on and probably get so bored. So, I'm going to make a list in order of how things went.

-We got into the car with a bunch of strangers.
-I got car sick and decided to skip lunch.
-We set up our tents, and I got to share a tent with a girl named Flobia who was is from Brazil.
-The bathrooms at that campsite were so nice! They were like nicer then my bathrooms here at home. EXTREMELY NICE!
-The two boys on the trip sat there flirting with Katie... she thought they were annoying.
-I went to bed early and crashed. I always sleep so good when I am camping.
-We had to put all our stuff in dry bags and put up our tents.
-We drove down to the Colorado River.
-A really good looking tour guide sat there and flirted with Katie and I. His name was Josh he wanted us on his raft, but we got stuck on the other one. Josh called us traitors and said he would get revenge.
-I got myself into a water right with the other raft. I was completely drenched but it was so much fun!
-The other raft stole my squirt gun. When they werent looking I jumped into their boat and grabbed it. They caught the gun and I was dangling in the water taking on josh and hayden. I bit then both and dug my nails into them. Everyone was laughing. I lost.
-We got to the beach we were staying at. It had the softest sand ever. It was right next to the river. The mountains were red, and the sky was completely clear and the most beautiful blue!
-I set up everyones tents and I was really mad about it because they sat there on chairs and watched me. UGH!
-Then the river guide asked if anyone would like to volenteer to swim down the rapids and hike back. Swimming down the rapids was so much fun! The hike back was beautiful.
-We then made tie dye shirts, and bracelets.
-One of the guides brought out a bag of dress up clothes and I had the job to dress everyone up! I made Josh wear butterfly wings, an old lady jacket, and a blue wig.... He told me I was going to get thrown in the river the next day.
-They made dinner. I was starting to get a head ache and dehydrated.
-They took me on a hike and we watched the sun go down. IT WAS SO GORGEOUS!
-We got back and made a fire. We had smores, told camp fire stories, and played games.
-I decided to go to bed. They all took my sleeping bag. I ended up freezing all night because I had nothing to sleep with, and I also had suck a terrible head, was extremely dizzy, and felt like I was going to throw up.
-I got up the next morning still pretty sick.
-We had breakfast and I DID MOST OF THE WORK putting up everyones tents, sleeping bags, and chairs. ugh.
-We got in the same rafts.
-I got into a huge water fight, got water sprayed up my nose, did sneak attacks on other other boat, and also pushed josh into the river after I squirted him.
-We got to another beach and had lunch, we packed our stuff in the cars, and drove back to the very first campsite.
-We all took showers.
-Then, we went to the arches National parks and saw some beautiful scenery, and did some hiking.
-We went out to dinner at an Italian resturant. I got to try some interesting types of pizza.
-We got back to camp and Katie and Flobia made stick figures with glo sicks. I would have but I was to sick so I laid down.
-I went to bed early and slept way good.
-The next morning we had some really good breakfast and hit the road to go back home.
-I took some sleeping pills to make me sleep. I slept the whole way.
-We arrived at seven peaks where we swam for a couple hours.
-I showered again and we got all dressed up and went to a fancy resturant and met our families there.
-We had to listen to a presentation about bleeding disorders. I ended up bawling because they all asked us if we loved it or hated it. I said hated they asked me why and I said, "My step dad is the only dad I have left. If his disorder got in the way and something were to happen I wouldnt have a dad."
I bawled.


that was my trip :D
It was a blast.

iM lEaViNg

Hey Everyone!
I'm leaving and I won't be back until Wednesday. So, if I am not answering my phone don't be mad! Lol! I won't have phone service either.
Wondering where I am going? TO BAD I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!! *Evil laugh*
Okay, yeah sorry! I am in a really weird mood. I am going to Moab for four days.
As we all know my step dad has a really bad sickness that he could die from. So, the company he gets his medicen from spoils him and his family.
So, Katie and I got invited to what is called a teen retreat. It's an activity for teens to get away. So, they are taking Katie and I camping in Moab. We are going river rafting, canoeing, hiking, and rock climbing. Then, on the way back they drop us off at seven peaks to swim. From Seven peaks they take us to meet our parents, and then we all go to a huge fancy dinner!
So, now you guys know why I won't be answering my phone.
I'll come back with tons of pics you guys might want to see. :D
I'm going to miss you guys! I love you all so much!
*Muah!*

I had a nightmare; I was brunette.

I guess you could say I'm living my nightmare. I wouldn't call it a nightmare, but it's sure going to take some time to get used to. Well, right now it looks black, but really its supposed to be brown. To be honest I think its going to fade to a medium brown, and then go back blond. My hair is so healthy and it hates being dyed. Every time I have dyed my hair that's what it has done lol!

I wouldn't exactly call it beauty. lol. I woke up this morning and looked into the mirror and wondered why I dyed my hair. I have always wanted my hair dark, and now that I have it its like I like it, but I also like my blond hair. Also, my aunt dyed my eye browns. Lol. Not like I didn't want her to because I did, but they are getting hard to get used to, too! I feel like I have two caterpillars on my for head. I know it's because I have never had them this dark but still. Lol. There not big caterpillars because my aunt also plucked my eyebrows, BUT STILL!

Okay, well now that I have complained about my eye brows and got that out of my system. Lol. You guys should see my eyes! They stand out so bad! They change from greens, to blues, and to greys. I'm pretty excited. I actually look like a emo! Like I said I like it, and I don't.

My New Hair!

My Aunt Rainee Dyed My Hair Black!!!

The first time we put dye in it, it turned into a disgusting red and green color. In the dark it looked red but when the light hit it it went green. IT WAS UGLY! My hair didnt even wash the dye out... My aunt said it was because my hair too healty and wont take it. So, we had to go back to the store for more dye and had to re-dye it. It turned out black. My aunt gave me swoop bangs and here I am. To be honest I freaking love it! I LOOK SO EMO!!!

To be honest I think people are lying to me when they say that they like it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what the heck I was thinking, but other times I like it. So yeah, if you're going to comment I want THE TRUTH!

Lost...

So many things are going through my head I don't know where to begin. Everyone knows the quote, "A room full of people, and still I feel alone." Sometimes I just feel like that. Days I feel like I am on top of the world and other days I just let people walk all over me. Somedays I feel like a girly girl and other days I feel like a tom boy. I want to dye my hair a dark color, but everyone doesn't want me to. One second I am happy and another I am sad. I think I am bipolar.

Yeah, today I found myself missing my dad. This might sound completely crazy, but I could care less what you guys thing of me. I think I saw my dad today in the bathroom. Now, no one go and tell me its just a part of healing and I am seeing things that arn't there. Truth is I hope it really is him. I wish I could feel him around me like I used to. A couple months after his funeral I could feel him around me. Now... he is just gone. I dont know sometimes it just hits me that he is gone and I get all depressed...

Ha. Ha. So anyways, I went to Jordan's house today. Its pretty amazing that we can do nothing and be perfectly intertained. Today I got to see a side of Jordan I never got to see before. Usually, Jordan is a quiet, shy, funny, girl, but today she was being so funny! She hates this one girl that is really mean to her. That one girl kept walking by Jordan's house. Just the way Jordan was acting was so funny! Oh... by the way... SHE IS MOVING BACK!!!! Us two have a list of goals of things we are going to do this summer. I'm so excited that I will finally have someone in Mona to come hang out with me! I live in the middle of no where! So yeah Jordan THANK YOU FOR AN AMAZINGLY FUNNY DAY!!!

Random Questions.

Now:

Is your hair up? Yes

Is your phone right beside you? Yes

Do you have a bf/ gf? Yes

Do you wish you were somewhere else? Yes

Do you have plans for tonight? Nope

Are you wearing makeup? Yes

Are you wearing chapstick? Nope

Are you cold? Just my hands are

Are you tired? Not really

Are you excited? for what?

Are you watching t.v.? Nope

Are you wearing pajamas? sweat pants

Who is the last person you IMed? Aunt Rainee

Past:

Who is the last person that called you? Jared

Anything you regret? tons of studd

Ever lied? Yeah

Ever stuck gum under a desk? No

Ever spit at someone? Haha Yeah

Ever kick something living? Yeah

Ever had your nails done? Yeah

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? No

Had any plans last week? Yes

Who did you see most last week? Tons of people

Was last week interesting? Yes it was.

Have you cussed? Yeah

Have you yelled at someone? Yeah

Have you gotten mad at someone? haha Yep

Have you cried? uh huh!

Have you called more than 3 people? Yeah

Have you IMed more than 3 people? No

Have you eaten anything gross? Yeah

Spill your Guts:

First thing you did this morning? Cereal

Last thing you ate? Cereal

What is something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? Getting My Hair Dyed

What is annoying you right now? YES!!!

What is the last movie you saw? Kong Fu Panda

Do you believe in long distance relationships? Not anymore

Where is the last place you went? Disneyland or colorado I dont remember

Who is the last person you called? Jared

Been cheated on? Yup

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? I dont know.

Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): Love

Do you wish on stars? I used to.

Does it work? Nope thats why I stopped

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? No

When did you last cry? like a night or two ago

Do you like your handwriting? ew no.

question ? What did I do wrong?

Are you a friendly person? I would think so

Are you keeping a secret from the world? YES!

Whos bed did you sleep in last night? Mine.

What color shirt are you wearing? Blue

Do you have any pets? Not of my own.

What is the color of your bedsheets? White

What were you doing at 9 last night? Watching so you think you can dance

Last person you talked to? Dallin

When is the last time you saw your dad? In his coffin at his funeral on November 30 two years ago

Look to your left: Printer?

Ever cried on your friends shoulder? Yes!

Song that makes you cry? There are to many to count.

A BIG CHANGE!!!

Okay, so this weekend my aunt is going to dye my hair DARK DARK brown! I can't wait! I did dye my hair light brown once but it went back blonde. Now, I am going to dye it really dark! At first I will hate it but then when it fades I'll wish it was back.
but yeah...

The Burn't Out Candle

I've been your light; I've helped you find your way.
I've been your warmth and its not okay.
For years I've coated you with nice things to say,
but now my wax has melted away.
What are you going to do without your light?
Who is going to be there when dark is night?
Who is going to warm you when the flames burnt out?
Who is going to fix your slightest doubt?
There is nothing left to burn; I'm all burnt out.
Now you understand what this candle is all about.

That's all I can do...

Since you've been gone; colors faded
Everying hurts and I feel so jaded
Nothing tastes like it used too
Everthing so different without you
I can't sleep at night; I feel so alone
and no one is there to pick up the phone
I've exhausted the thought that you're not coming back
my life is now dull and so off track
Everything I see reminds me of you
All this pain hurts, and each day it's new
No one can change these feelings I get
No one understands my sense of regret
I've rid myself of poems about you
I've written them all and thats all I can do

God's Lie

God must have been busy when he herd me pray at night
he must have forgotten to help me find the light

God must not pay attention to the wreck less soul
he probably didn't notice when I lost my self control

God must have forgotten about the girl without a dad
he must not have wondered about the life he had had

God must not have cared when a girl would sit and cry
he must not have realized that smile was a lie

God must not have thought that when he threw my troubles aside
that everything in my life suddenly would collide

God must not see me from heaven in the sky
that everything he promised all became a lie

What I did today.

Today, all I did was excersie. I started out by doing like this complicated sit up thing that supposed to make your abs so tighter. Then, I convinced my whole family to go to the park! At the park I got Katie to play volleyball with me, but because she doesn't ever eat she is really weak and couldn't play for long. We got home and I took my dog for an hour run. Okay, I admit I walked when I got tired but it was mainly running. Then the weather got bad, and so I decided to go home.

What I ate today. Breakfast was whole grain cheerios with strawberries. NO SUGAR!!! Usually I load those sick things with sugar but I didn't! YAY ME! For lunch I had a sandwich. And well I haven't had dinner yet.

That was my day; hopefully I'll do better. :P