Talk With My Grandma...

Well, I guess I'll start with how this all came to be...
(If you are a mormon dont read this... It will ruin your religion, also if you still believe in Santa.)

My Grandma was born as a Mormon, and was a mormon for fourty years. My grandma is the most amazing person anyone could ever meet. She took on the challenge to re-read the book of mormon...
Lets just say she found some faults...
Not going to go into detail, because I dont want to get my grandma or I in trouble for saying too much...

So... Yesterday the Missionaries came to "preach". We didn't even let them into our house. Lol. My grandma told them the reasons why she is against mormons. ANYWAYS... I got talking to her around ten O' clock about religion.

Some how, we got on the topic of my dad. (My real dad not my step dad.) She told me some things that made me really want to hate myself. I still hate myself. So, here is the story about why I hate myself.

When my dad was alive he well... was not perfect. He grew up in a messed up family. and he did drugs, abused my lovely mother, and cheated. Well when we moved to Alaska I Learned to hate my dad. He would call, and I would get annoyed. One winter we had to go spend with our dad. Well, we opened all the preasents under the christmas tree. Then, everyone was staying up late so I went to go to bed and I said, "Better go to sleep before Santa comes." (I had still believed in Santa) I saw panick go across my dads face. I just walked upstairs to bed.

When we woke up the next morning, there was no preasants except a note a fifty dollars. Well, my step brother and sister came home and was showing us the stuff they had gotten. Well, I showed them my fifty dollars, and well my dad flipped. Turns out my step brother and sister did not believe in Santa Clause. My dad yelled at me telling me that Santa Clause doesn't exist. I cried all night, and I was so mad at my dad. He was like the grinch without the happy ending. I hated my dad, he ruined Christmas. I got home and my mom told me that Santa Clause came to our house instead. I didn't believe her. Thanks to my dad...

Well, talking to my Grandma I found out that my dad called my mom and said that he screwed up and asked if she would fix it. So, really I hated my dad and really he didn't mean to be so mean to me. He didnt mean to ruin Christmas, and he regretted it. So, even after he died I still was mad at him for that. AFTER HE DIED!!!

I am so mad at myself, I am like crying right now. My dad loved me and I still treated him so bad.Ugh I hate myself... theres more... but really I am so upset I dont think I can type any longer...