Colorado.

I don't really feel like writing right now so I'm just going to tell you some of the things.



We stayed at my Aunt Katie and Uncle Travis's house. I know Aunt Katie isn't that so weird? I would say Katie and they both would look at me lol.



The ride sucked. haha. There and back. Friday we went swimming in this lake there. It was so pretty. We got home and had a barbecue then jumped into their hot tub.

YOU GUYS THAT HOT TUB WAS SO AMAZIN! It was so clean and the lights in it changed colors and it wasn't too hot or too cold and I found a heart shape in the sky.



Then Saturday we drove down to New Mexico and did a little school shopping. I got skinny jeans, converse's, thi weird cute orange jacket, flatts, and long socks. Haha I'm buying things this year i wouldnt normally.



Then, we drove back today.



I have a little cousin Logan he is so cute! He didn't cry once and he is always smiling. I hate kids but he was so cute!



Tomorrow my older sister Ashley flys in. Then the first week in August she is going to camp with us. No not girls camp. ick. But this other camp. It's going to be fun!

I can never say I'm sorry.

I was talking to my buddy Justin today. Justin is such a sweet kid. Justin had to get leg surgery and we were talking about him having to learn how to walk again. I was like,
"I had to relearn to walk twice." He was like,
"Really?" I said,
"Yeah, I walked through ashes bare foot, and then I got frost bite." Then, he asked what it was like... This is what I said,

"Yeah, they had to rip the skin off. Then, my dad yelled at me because I was crying. Then, he made me walk on them. :( I still can remember how mad I was at him. All he wanted was the best for me. He only made me walk on them to help me out. I was so mean to him. I'll never get to tell him I am sorry."

I didn't even realized I said that until he asked me why I can't say sorry. I got thinking about it after I said that. Now, I notice how much of a jealous person I am. I see my friend's talking about there dad's, or I see them with their dad's, and I just get jealous. I would give anything to have that happen to me again. Then, I hear my friend's and how they don't get along with their dad's. I just wish I could have that oppurtunity again.

I wish I could tell my dad how sorry I am. I treated him so badly. Last night I pulled out cards he sent me for my birthday's. They all said "I miss you" and "I hope to see you soon". Now, I am the one saying I miss you, and he is probably in heaven watching me thinking what a selfish daughter he raised. Nah, my dad wouldn't think that.

Isn't it ironic how in the blink of an eye how every thing can change? Don't you think it's crazy how much one person influences your life? Don't you ever wonder how from something that seemed so terrible at the time means the world to you later?

So, yeah. Dad if ever you're looking down on me I want you to know how sorry I am. I wish I could tell it to your face. There's so much I wish I could do better, but I can't change the past. I love you dad, I miss you, and I am so sorry.

Alaska...

You guys my cousins Vince and Crush just moved up to Alaska. I'm soo jealous i miss it so much.
I want to go back. I am sick of Utah. I want to go back so bad. And no one go and pretend to care saying that if i didnt move back you guys wouldnt have met me or that you will miss me because you're all lying. I want to go back so bad i miss it so much!!!

Hey guys I want to cut my hair like this. ITS AWSOME! Oh, and also I decided I want a lip ring. So, now it's the fight to see if my mom will take me to get one. WISH ME LUCK!

Satin's Mirrors.

One mirror shows you what you want to see.

One is based on reailty.

One is death horror, and gore.

One is happyness, love, and more.

All four is centered in a circle for you to see.

You pick one and what your life will be.

He reflects the mirrors to torture you.

He turns around what you thought you knew.

When things get good he turns them bad.

Taking the life you thought you had.

He laughs at you gently because he's in control.

Then when you die he takes your soul.

I sit here watching him play with you.

Watching him move the mirror you thought you knew.

As takes and reflects things on your screens.

Watching grows to sobs and screams.

Sitting here watching through my tears.

As Satin works his magic mirrors.

Dead Inside.

I see you through the door but I can't get through

The door is locked I scream for you.

Why are you talking you should be dead.

I looked at your corpse and kissed your lifeless head.

I cried for hours, days, and nights.

I fought through all satin's fights.

If only this door would let me through.

Let me through to talk to you.

I see you smiling if only you could see

What your absence has done to me.

I saw the light but it faded away

Now the colors turned to grey.

My arm is bleeding onto the ground.

My blood is spilling all around.

Life or death or rooms apart

I thought I cut you from my heart.

I remember that day when the worlds collide.

It left me feeling dead inside.

Okay lets get this straight...

When I flipped out two posts ago I was really hurt with what Jordan told me. People were talking crap behind my back and I was hurt. Okay? Just because I talk about Jessica all the time doesn't mean the rest of you aren't my "real" friends. Its just that no one else seems like they care as much as Jessica does. Jessica lets me come over to her house alot and is always there for me. The rest of you dont answer your phones, or live in another town. It's not like I can drive out to Santaquin every day to see Jordan. I can't because my parents have no money for gas and Jordan's parents aren't willing to give me a ride back. THAT'S ALL IT IS! My mom picks me up and back from work every day and still I have to do some walking because my mom has no gas.

I'm sorry if I made you guys feel bad. I'm just going through a tough time and Jessica is the only one here for me.

I am proud of myself you guys.

YOU GUYS I HAVE LOST A TON OF WEIGHT!!!

I weigh only nine pounds more than Katie. KATIE STOPPED EATING!!! That means I lost weight the right way. :D I had a dresser full of clothes that were to small that I wanted to be able to fit into and I can now!!! I can fit into jeans katie wears. I lost like 20 pounds. At my mom's work they have a doctor's scale and the guy weighed me and I lost that much!!! I am so excited! I still want to loose more. I weight 4 pounds less then I am supposed to. I still just want to loose like 20 more. Then, I'll be happy with myself. :D Also, I grew 1/2 an inch this summer. I am now taller than my sister. So, during all the time I was supposed to gain weight!!!! I'm proud of myself. So, we can say that my list of summer goals in completely finished!

Also, I've had people come up to me and tell me that I lost weight, that I look good, healthy, and happy. :D

Now, just to help my sister gain more muscle.

The Way It Is For Girls Like Me.

Okay, so as we all know things haven't been the best for me right now. Stuff with my step dad, from then on it just got worse. Things just keep getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is I am sick of pretending I am happy. If you guys thought I was too straight forward then... You're going to hate me now. I'm going to tell everything like it is.

So, I was upset and Jordan called me. She knew something was wrong. From her I learned a lot of things.

First of all... HINT HINT!!! If you don't like me I would like to know. I don't think it's fair I have to learn from other people that you don't like me. If you arn't brave enough to say that to my face then you should very well should be scared when I confront you face to face. If you don't like my hair dark don't come up to me and tell me it's cute and then talk crap behind my back. I'm sick of all you stuck up preps judging me, and pretending you're all something your not. I'm tired of people pretending to be my friend... Come real or not at all.

Now that we have that out of the way...

I was completely looking forward to going to the carnival with my REAL FRIEND Jessica. She invited me and I just needed to get out of the house away from the drama with my step dad. I asked how much it was and it was 30 DOLLARS!!! Wow, those hicks are screwing us you guys. I told my mom and she about started crying and told me I might be able to go. I am kind of depressed about it, but I can sort of put myself in my mom's shoes. Working all day trying to pay bills, comeing home to a snotty three year old, a step dad that refuses to be a dad to his step childeren, and only getting payed like 7 dollars an hour. I get it. Me asking for something like that is completely out of the question.

Speaking of my mom working I am at her work right now. I just looked over at her and about started to cry. Seeing her work so hard. I've grown up with parents who wish they could give their childeren more. I remember talking to my real dad on the phone when my mother and him were fighting. He burst out crying over the phone and told me he would become homeless just so I could have a TV in my room. It broke my heart. Then, a while ago I was upset because my step dad had gotten done yelling at me because I didn't keep my door open when talking on the phone. (Surprise Surprise...) My mom came in and I told her why that bothered me. She was like, "You guys are the best kids. I couldn't ask for anything more. It just bugs me. I work my butt off to you give you guys what you deserve, but I can't. I have worked since 15 and I have nothing to show. I would give anything to be able to give you girls what you deserve, but I cant." I don't know... Seeing my parents suffer just... ugh.

Then, today my grandma walked in and wanted to talk to me. She was like,

"Kacee, would it bother you if Lori (My step sister's mom) payed for Jessica to have dance classes in Nephi? I want you to be honest with me." I said,

"You know grandma I do but I don't. I would be upset if my mom had to pay for it because I don't think it's fair that she has a rich family, and she gets to come down here and still be spoiled. I would be upset if my mom payed for it. Now, I wouldn't be upset if Lori payed for it, because she is rich. It's not my moms fault we arn't fortunate. It just wouldn't be fair for Katie and I to suffer more because of that. I mean there are so many things I would love to do. I would love to take dance classes with my buddy Jessica, and I would love to take swimming lessons. There are so many things I would like to do but I can't. My mom doesn't need to hear me complain and suffer more because she doesn't get paid enough." Then, my grandma said,

"You know hun, I grew up just like you. I worked and worked and worked, and all my money went for was helping my mom pay for bills. None of my money went for myself. It has always been like that. You know hun, I wouldn't trade being rich for my family." I said,

I don't know it just makes me really upset that snotty people we call preps are rich and get everything and they still want more. I think its not fair that just because I'm not rich and part of the "in" crowd I should be punished for it. I'm sick of people talking crap behind my back and pretending to be my friend to my face. I'm sick of the world judging me. I tried making you all happy, but I can't please everyone.

So here is the truth:

I just wore aeropostale because everyone expected me to wear it.

I kept my hair blonde for the longest time because that is what guys liked.

I stopped eating because I wasn't skinny enough for my fake friends.

I hate being tall because everyone makes fun of me.

I don't talk much during school because I hate everyone there, and I get too depressed.

I secretly want to cut every night.

I wore light clothes because It's part of my act of being happy.

I only obey rules because I don't want people dissapointed in me.

I hate pink and purple because YOU GUYS like it.

I wear baggy pants because you guys don't.

If I say I hate you once that's saying it for the rest of the time even when we are friends.

I would rather hang out with the "losers" because I hate fake people.

There's more... If you guys have a problem with it you all can go fall in holes.

If you guys talk crap behind peoples backs, hurt people's feelings you guys are the reason why people jump off buildings and cut. (THATS LIKE A QUOTE JESSICA MADE. AND I LIKED IT AND USED IT.)

Oh so it all comes out...

Okay, after my last post my step dad refused to talk to me. I didn't care much. If he didn't want to talk to me or apoligize the right way the screw him. Just barley he came in the office and talk to me. Yeah, so again he isn't going to apoligize for anything. surprise surprise. He only said sorry for what he said to my mom... Yeah, thanks for caring... not.

Then, he decided he doesn't want o buy me a car any more. Okay, so there is a promise that just went down the drain. Then, he started talking about how he is sorry he can't be my biological dad, and he can't change that. He said that he wont be buying me things anymore... not like he does, and he is sorry that his daughter is his biological daughter. He said he isn't going to say sorry for spoiling her; she just got lucky to have a dad.

Great. So, my step dad just pretty much told me he didn't want to be a dad to me anymore. He said he tried. He didn't try. He just judged me and hurt my feelings. A real man would have not acted the way he has. So, now I can offically say I have no dad.

Sure it's not his fault my dad is dead, but he didn't have to rub it in my face that his daughter's dad is still alive. He didn't have to rub it in my face that he will spoil her more because he love's her more. He didn't have to promise me so many things that he would be there for me and care for me and try to help make everything turn out okay. He didn't have to promise me so many things then rip them out, and make me feel like I have no dad.

I have no dad; I get it. Thanks for nothing Steve. Dont expect me to call you dad any more. Don't expect me to listen to you when you tell me I did something wrong. I don't care anymore.

Story Of My Life.

He is a great guy... He really is... He just doesn't see the world through the same eyes. We were having dinner and I was putting my hamburger together. I turned and looked at my mom and said,

"What should I put on my hamburger?" and she said,

"Well I put barbecue sauce." I said,

"Well I don't want barbecue sauce on mine." My step dad was like,

"HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED IT!" I was like,

"I DON'T WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ON MY HAMBURGER!!!" He sat there and yelled at me infront of our whole family. Once he got it out I just threw my plate away and went outside.

I called Jessica, because she usually understands where I am coming from. I complained to her for a while. Her and Megan cheered me up by singing to me and stuff. We even made plans for me to go over to her house the next day. I got off the phone in a pretty good mood. I went outside and roasted smores with my cousin Vince.

I went inside and sat next to my mom who was on the computer at the table. Then, my step dad was like,

"Kacee come with me." I tapped my mom's leg and was like,

"Mom." She went downstairs with me too. He was yelling at me because I didn't put barbecue sauce on my hamburger. My mom flipped out and said,

"IF SHE DOES'T WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ON HER HAMBURGER SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT IT ON THERE!!!" My step dad was like,

"YOU JUST BE QUIET I WAS TALKING TO HER!" He flipped out and said that I had a bad attitude about it. Then, my mom was like,

"YOU'RE TAKING ALL YOUR PROBLEMS OUT ON HER! JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE MONEY SO YOUR DAUGHTER CAN HAVE FUN DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO TAKE IT ALL OUT ON HER!" He said,

"SHE ASKED WHAT SHE WANTED ON IT AND I GOT A SNOTTY ATTITUDE! YOU KNOW KACEE YOU HAVE HAD A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE LATELY AT EVERYTHING I HAVE ASKED YOU TO DO AND I AM SICK OF IT!" My mom chimed in,

"SHE HAS NOT! YOU KNOW WHY KATIE DOESN'T ASK THAT?!?!?! IT'S BECUASE YOU DO THIS! SHE JUST LEARNED TO SHUT UP AND SHE WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!"

.... Yeah that went on. He dragged out whole family into it. My mom finally told me to get into the car with Chase and Katie. I called Jessica crying... We went to Payson and got a frosty at Wendy's. We got home and I was doing dishes with my mom and Katie was just sitting there. My step dad came in and said,

"Now that we are all here I would just like to say that I am sorry for telling your mom to fuck off... That's all I am apoligizing for." After I was done with dishes I went in my room and cried and cried.

How come I have to go through all this? Why can't my real dad be alive when I need him most? Why does he have to be so stuck up? How come he will apoligize to my mom and not me? What did I do wrong?

We all know that when we are upset you look back on the past and everything just gets cut open again... I did that whole thing. I was crying all night. Jared called luckily when I was done crying. He ended up making me laugh.

but yeah....

story of my life.

Goals This Summer That I Have Accomplished!

Okay, so I decided my goals are harder than I expected them to be, but I am determinded to do them!
The ones that I have accomplished are:

1.) Getting a tan.
2.) Dye my hair Brown... well black but its brown now.
3.) Go swimming at the Mona res.
4.) NO TV!

Ones that I need to work on:

1.) Loose three inchese in my waiste. (I have been working on them. It's not like I haven't tried. My step dad used to be a personal trainer he said abs are the hardest thing on your body to tighten. So, Hopefully I will be able to tighten them before school starts. Hey don't judge me! I still have like what two months anyways?)
2.) Instead of getting on the computer I'll go running. (Haha. I don't have an excuse I'm addicted to the computer. Lol. I will try harder lol.)
3.) One compliment a day. (Okay, I didn't realize how corney this goal was haha. But I am still going to do it. So, from now on today for the rest of the month everday I will look in the mirror and give myself a freaking compliment.)

Okay, so now I just need to spend the rest of my summer complimenting myself, doing crunches, and running. Haha. It's going to be harder than it sounds!!!

I decided that I will only spend an hour on the computer. Haha. Ususally I spend four or five hours on it. Haha. So, I can still do what I love and get some exercise. Isn't summer supposed to be what you enjoy doing? That way I don't get all depressed with myself lol.

WISH ME LUCK!!!

I'm Strong?

I got told today by a friend that means a lot to me that she thought I was strong. So, I've spent all day wondering what the real meaning of strong is.
I just can't figure it out.
I definately don't think of myself as strong. I cry way to much, I get hurt easily, and I find myself not forgiving people. I feel myself falling apart when people need me the most, and I judge things before I get to know them or do them.

I think I have a different opinion on things.

A while ago I was talking to someone and I told them they were perfect. This person said, "I am no where near perfect. I cut, I lost my friends, and no one trusts me anymore."
I said, "To me you are perfect you quit cutting, you lost your friends but still you know how to be a friend, and you may not have people to trust you but you still trust other people. To me thats perfect."

Maybe being strong or perfect is not what the person see's in themselves, but what other people see in them.

*shrugs*
Does anyone else have anything to say that can answer what the meaning of strong or perfect is?

Hero

*My Dad* Everyone looks for a hero, but most people never find them. Sometimes what you're looking for is right infront of you the whole time. In most cases... Especially mine. When you open your eyes to see what is infront you... its to late. That one hero your spent your life looking for was watching you the whole time. My hero is now dead. Don't let your hero die before your truly get to meet him. I love you dad, and I miss you more then you will ever know.