Rambling on...

Jealousy strikes me again. I'm so over powered by the thought. I could have sworn when I looked in they mirror today I could see myself being eating inside and out. I've got to hold it together. I've got to be strong. Never again will I shrink back to the little depressed girl that hid herself with the identity of a smile every day.
Feeling this feeling over and over again is like a little girl being told that Santa Claus didn't exist by her parents. Her parents to whom she trusted to build her dreams only to crush them in that one sentence. "Santa Claus doesn't exist." Then, that sad little girl walks up to her room slowly with tears welling up in her eyes. She sits on her bed holds her teddy bear wondering if the tooth ferry, the Easter bunny, and cupid exists.
Just as I become inches away from crossing the line of insanity his friend fixes it with one smart comment. How is it that actions and words affect me more deeply than anyone else? Why is it that I shrink in size knowing that something isn't going according to plan.
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Will someone direct me to the light that everyone talks so confidently about? Or is the light a lie just like Santa Clause?

Knowing you're with her tonight.

Sitting at my desk with my face buried in my hands. I can't seem to get over that one little detail of you and her. Taking deep breaths as I try to calm the wild judgements running through my head of you and her. Everything is getting in the way of me being with you. Why can't things for once go great without something getting in the way; there's always something.
My mind races to the times when you told me we could be together forever. Everything you told me, everything you promised me was all a lie. I get exasperated, and envious at the thought that everything came to you both so easily. I've grown tiresome of sneaking around and lieing.
I slowly get up and walk to the window. I can't see anything for the night is dark. I slowly blow warm envious air onto the cold glass. It fogs up and again I am reminded of the somber thoughts that cloud my weary head.
Nothing can or ever will go right for me. For once when the world was finally going right she gets in the way. I guess I should have taken the hints. You talk about her all the time, everything you say you wish I had was qualities she posessed, and your always with her.
Now, I sit here staring out at nothing, and silently dying inside knowing that I could have put an end to my misery. Everything I worked for, thought about, and dreamed about will soon be gone in a flash. Suddenly that nothing I was staring at out the window at became everything to me. How can nothing become everything? It's amazing how putting things in a different perspective can change who you are. Now, more then anything that nothing mean't everything to me. This nothing is what I'm crying about, and slowly dieing inside for. Because what we will soon be: Is nothing

After catching my breath...

At the starting line I was over blown with excitement. Nothing could compare to the feelings I was getting. I was ready to go, fight, and win. Thinking more highly of myself then I should have been; later came the dissapointment.

I heard the gun fire, and I started to run, and run, and run... I watched as the other runners blew past me like it was no big deal. Slowly keeping my pase I learned that I wasn't as good as I summed myself up to be...



I didn't start cross country out of my own choice; I started it because the girls on the volleyball team were stuck up and mean. I didn't want to surround myself with people who were going to tear me down. (Not you Jordan haha your a sweet heart. I'm talking about the older girls.) Still I wanted to be part of something. A kid named Jake told me to talk to the track coach. You see Jake called me a man a while ago because I could throw the shock put really far, so I took his offer in trying track. My cross country coach told me that I should do cross country to get in shape for track. So I did...

The first practice completely tore me down... I got running and my throat closed shut and I couldn't breathe. I felt like everyone on the team thought I was retarded. An easy two mile jog is what they said it was going to be. Easy my butt.

After I got medication for my throat things got a little easier. I keep going to the practices even though I was the slowest on my team. I ran alone, and slow. Slow. Slow. Slow. I felt bad... I watched as the my team members ran past me, and there I ran. Alone, and slow. I was determined to become better.

Now, there is this course we run its exactly a three mile run. We call it "The Golf Course". The first time I ran the golf course I walked all up hills, all trails, and most of the streets. So yeah... Pretty much all of it.

Well, its been two weeks and yes... I'm still pretty slow on my team, but two other girls joined and they are even slower then me! I still watch as the rest of my team zoom past me.

Well, today the dedicated runner I am. (That was sarcasm.) I asked my mom to drop me off at the high school so I could run the golf course. See in my mind I wanted to see if I could run a little more then I did the first time. I got out there and my mom and sister followed me in the car clocking to see if it was really three miles. (It is.) I ran the full three miles and I only stopped twice. My mom said when I walked it was only for a block. Then, I was timing myself on my phone, and I shook off ten minutes of my first time.

Man, I feel really great right now. Now, my mom is in the kitchen as we speak cutting up snacks for school so I can have muscle food for my body so I can get better. My mom is more excited then I am.



The thing is... I kept running because I liked the way I felt after I was done, so I kept doing it. After catching my breath I feel like I could run three miles again. :D

Sorry, I figure I should brag to my blog because no one really reads it, and I don't want to be a show off. I just... I don't know... I feel really great right now.



:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Where the weeds want me to go...

4:00 a.m. The last thing that I want to do is go to sleep. I found myself walking through fields of unruly types of weeds. In my plaid pajamas pants, my black tank top, no shoes, and no where to go. No where to go but endless amounts of fields. I feel the weeds biting at my feet encouraging me to go on, but go on to where?
Often I find myself caught up in little fantasies that never seem to make any sense. I often have no where to go but the depths of my mind where the only person who understands what I am going through is me; and half the time I don't even understand.
Confused. Lost. No where to go. With no hope to carry on. I turn back to the path that I have already walked on. A path where everything had so far been safe. I began walking back to the safety of the side walk... I finally reach the side walk and feel the cold of the night resting on cement. My feet had felt so numb, almost like the rest of my body.
I turn back in time to watch the sun as it pushed itself from the mountains. No where to go, and no where to hide. I began walking to my home as the morning glories open up to greet the sun. Maybe one day I'll find the courage to find where the weeds want me to go....

Like A Broken Picture Frame

He was alone. His wife has just gotten a divorce from him. His kids became distant from him. He had nothing. All he could ever think about was getting his wife back, and gaining back the trust of his three daughters. Every time when he tried something it always went wrong and he couldn't do anything right. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and talking to someone about his problems was out of the question; no one understands.

Months past and his depression was getting worse. Nothing could ever make the pain go away unless his wife took him back into her life. After months of trying and making things worse once again he was fighting with his wife. One night when his wife came to pick up the kids they started to fight again. His wife told the kids to wait out in the car until it was time to go.

Finally, his wife got sick of his ways and she moved the kids as far away from him as she could. Days slowly turned into nights, and he finally moved away. He found a less depressing life with a different wife and different kids. After a month of being married he was killed at a construction site.

Weeks after he died his youngest daughter was looking through his old pictures. There was one picture frame in piticular caught her eye. There laid a picture of him in a broken picture frame with a bullet hole through it.

Sorry everyone... I thought that for once I should stop writing my point of view and show you my dad's. Since he isn't here to tell the story himself someone should. Yes this really happened. My mom told me that when they were fighting he took a gun and shot his picture...

The Beauty In Me.

(Picture found on cmprather@hotmail.com)

For years I've tried, For years I've failed;
To seek the beauty my life held.
To blend in, as someone I'm not.
For months and months that's what I thought.
To cut, hide, and shy away.
The depressing thoughts spent their stay.
To have a boyfriend that was cool.
Then I would be popular with the girls at school.
For years I've tried, for years I've failed.
To seek the beauty my life held.
In all my seeking did I see,
The beauty I found in being me.

What my poem means: Everywhere I turned people were giving me hints that if I wasn't popular, had a popular boyfriend, or even cut I was pretty much a loser. So, I tried them and in the end I felt happier being myself. Pretending to be someone I'm not only made me feel like crap. I got lost in what other people thought of me that I let them control me. Even when I was dressing like someone else I was under the impression that I was being myself. I was turning into an annoying no-so-popular robot. Be Yourself, corney as it sounds it truley makes you happier.

High School...

So far, I love it. Of course really its too soon to tell but I think its going to be great. Everyone is so tall! I feel so normal. In Jr. High I felt like a freaking giant! Now I feel normal. It's great I love it. My classes are way good. I have four with Jessica so I don't feel awkward in really any of them. I always have someone there.

Now, track on the other hand isn't go so well. I got sick as you guys know and when I ran my throat was swelling shut and it hurt. So, I walked the easy two mile jog... Easy my butt. Haha... I'm going to try again now that my throat feels better. I have to take medication for it twice a day. Hopefully that will help. They had a six mile jog Saturday. haha. Of course I didn't go. :D Anyways... yeah... :D

UPSETTING!

I was pretty pumped about doing track tomorrow after school. Running to me is so much fun now. Well, Last night I woke up from a nightmare, and my throat was close to being swelled shut. Ugh. My glands were swollen, my throat hurt so bad, and it was going up into my ears. So, I don't get to jog tonight, and if it doesn't stop I'll have to get ANOTHER surgery. I'm so mad you guys don't even know.
I refuse to get another surgery. That hurt so bad, and I couldn't stand being so lazy, and staying in one spot. urgh.

Anyways, SCHOOL IS TOMORROW! I'm so excited! :D Way to be sick on the first day of school Kacee. UGH!

May I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye.

I'm so stressed and irritated right now it isn't even funny! I'm like freaking out what to get Jared for his birthday which is on the 20th and everything I try to do fails. I'm so mad right now! Not to mention the other thing I was going to get him WONT WORK because my grandma's STUPID, GAY, and RETARDED computer is so old it wont do it!

Not to mention the church wants us to go back to church. I DON'T LIKE CHURCH AT ALL! I'm sorry for those of you that love it and believe in it, but this is my blog... I can say what ever I want on it. I don't want to go back. When you have a family that is completely against it, and doesn't believe in it; Then, MAYBE you'll understand. Plus, I have a completely different insight on what I think church is...

Then, my Grandpa is really really sick. He had to get surgery last night and was in the hospital all last night. He's been in and out of the hosiptal since May because of a heart attack... He is going downhill now. I swear if my Grandpa dies I won't be able to take it. I'm so sick of close people dying in my family... You don't even know. First it was my dad, then my grandma's sister, then my uncle's best friend, then my older sister Ashleys Ex Ex Ex Ex boyfriend, then my grandpa's brothers... UGH

Alpine Slides In Park City

Going down the Apline slides with Ashley...

Haha I look like a lion

I was pretending to fall off the ski lift but i couldnt stop laughing

our feet from left to right is me, Katie, my mom (Shannon), and Ashley.

Waiting in line to get on the ski lift.

he being grumpy haha.

We us three. Parteners in crime.

my wonderful mother

Ashley and I eating breakfast

Track, Hair,Grandpa, and my dog.

Hey Everyone,
I'm doing track this year for school. I'm pretty excited. :D Running is so much fun to me now... Isn't that so weird? I crave going outside to jog, but I have to take certain days off. Which sucks because all I want is to be out there jogging. It also sucks because in the middle of the day it gets really really hot and really its no fun to jog when it's hot outside. So, I think I'm going to start jogging every morning and every night... Well on the days when I should be jogging... Yeah I know you guys are probably think I am so stupid... YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!
As you all know I dyed my hair black it started to grow out and so I asked my hair to just dye the top layers blonde so its light on top and dark on bottom... but my aunt decided she wanted to bleach all of it. BLEACH IT! Ugh, I was so mad! So, she begged me so bad, and made me feel so bad about it I just gave in and let her... Then, when I got home that night I dyed it black again. I hate blonde hair now... with a passion. or at least really really blonde hair... Every average Utah girl has blonde hair. I hate it. I don't want to be a Utah girl... So yeah, now my hair is like dead from the bleach. I'm so mad. So, this week I'm going to get the ends trimmed and hope it will get a bit more healthyier.
So, my grandpa had a heart attack in May. Ever since the heart attack tons of things have been happening to him... He has been in and out of the hopsital, I'm really worried... He's been to the hospital 5 days this week. He is currently in the hospital right now. I'm so scared. I can't have another family member die... I don't think I could handle it.
Also, today I walked into the house and my dog Frodo was on the floor. He looked like he was having a seizure. He was shivering his back legs were not working, and one of his eyes was close. I freaked out. Finally we got him to drink some milk. He seems okay... for now...

Family Reunion

My family is crazy! Yesterday was our family reunion... of course I didn't do my hair, or put nice clothes on so I looked like crap... but these pictures are worth seeing!

This is trenton.

So, my grandpa is loosing his hearing... He couldn't hear us sneaking up behind him. He thought that picture was just of him. lol.

In this picture from left to right is carley, me, tanner, (behind tanner) Tucker, Jackson Jenn, Mariah, Trenton, and Lindsey.

Sam, Tanner, Jackson, Trenton, Tucker, Katie, and Jenn... being well... themselves.

Katie with the boys.

Tucker trenton boe Jackson cody and tanner... The two tims in the back I may have gotten wrong. pretty sad I've known them my whole life and can't even tell them apart.

JESSE!

My little brother Chase :D

My mom and grandma playing for the horse shoe trophy.

Justen being well... herself.

Tucker and Trentons creation!

Slaytor and his little girlfriend.

Grandpa and Grandma.