This is my deal, now tell me what is yours.

I sit here silently outside my bedroom window. I just climed out thorugh my window; My own personnel thinking space. The one place in the world I can just be alone. I sit here the wind is cold, and its dark. Usually. I would scared of the dark, but here in my thinking space this is the one place I have nothing to fear. I silently wrap the fleace blanket around myself, and look up to the stars.

Laying on the grass looking at the stars; I did with you. Our little daddy daughter date... minus the dad. I look up to the stars, and a tear rolls down my cheek. How come dealing with your death has been so hard? No one understands; even the people who's parents also died still dont understand. Must just be different circumstances. Dad, Katie has stopped eating, and is cutting patterns in her skin. Well, she was. I told and now she has to stop. Ashley, just needs her daddy. Mom, needs you to call her and tell her she will get a job. She needs you to encourage her. We need you.
I really do.

Now, I find myself sobbing, and shivering. I refuse to go inside even though I am cold, and am in desperate need of a tissue. I whipe my nose with the back of my hand. Dad, I treated you so wrong. I cant even find an excuse for acting the way I did. Even though, you did drugs, and yelled constantely. I guess I just blamed my stess on you. You were such an amazing person inside and out. You saw the true beauty in life, for example; the stars.

A rush of anger runs through me. One single memory runs through my blood pounding in my veins. My eyes burn, and suddenly I am not cold. I look to the ground, not deserving to look at the stars. She was right, I do deserve to have a dead dad. She knew my pain, my frustration, and she used my trust against me. She pulled those stiches and patch work I took a year working on sewing, and ripped them out of my chest. Here it goes again.

I feel my smeared make up, mixed with warm tears streaming across my face. I silently lay down, and look at the stars. Trying to convince myself that everyone goes through this. I failed, No one goes through this exactly. I am the only one in the world feeling this exact same thing. I would not be here crying if she did not say waht she did. I cant forgive her, and no one will understand why. I am the only one feeling what I feel now.

The cold grass is tickling my skin. It comforts me, but not enough. How can everyone can just forgive her? Is it just me that is being tortured? Yeah, I do forgive and forget. But, there was no apology to forgive and forget about. There was just her thinking her little comment would be harmless-news flash, I am dying inside. Seeing everyone hangout with her... Well it just about kills me. She won, she got her way. She mulipulated my feelings, and now she has won. My friends let her win, the game is over. Now only am I the looser because my friends fell for her games, but I am sitting here crying over a few simple words. The words that at this time are so true, but so hurtful. I still see myself as the bigger person, though many may not think so. The world can think what they want about me, but they can shove it. When it comes to my family, and most of all my dead dad. The world will never be forgiven, mark my words. I can joke around about being mad at her. The things I say are not ture. I guess my friends cant tell the difference between a joke, and the person I really am. I think the best of her, even though she said what is now killing me. So, This is my deal, now tell me... what is yours?