"When he was a kid, his grandfather had told him a World War I story about a solider who had lost a message warning of an imminent enemy attack. Afterward the solider always blamed himself for the terrible casualties and went through life looking in gutters and under stones for the lost message."
I was reading a book by Mary Higgins Clark and when I read this it immediately caught my eye. I don't know why I like it so much. I can picture it in my head so well.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm like the solider. I blame myself for my dad's death because I had wished he would die; and he did. So, for the rest of my life I will be looking for a way to make up for killing my dad. I will always blame myself, and look for peace for the rest of my life. In the soldiers case looking for the message under stones and in gutters for the rest of his life.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Lost Message
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9.25.09 what to do.....
I didn't go to school again today. Grandma's brother is dying and grandma drove to Wyoming to see him. Therefore I got stuck watching chase.
I guess you could say these two days of school off helped. Seeing Jared so happy and me being miserable just wasn't that fun.
Mom thinks because I was already sick being stressed was making me even sicker. I get that. It seems I'm always sick. I just learned to not complain.
Yesterday, Jared and I talked on the phone. I told him he only had ten minutes and it turned into an hour and twenty minutes. I pretty much told him everything I have written in my journal the past few weeks. In the end it seemed like he got it. I hope. That or he was just pretending so we can stop fighting. I bet lately I've sounded like a pretty big bitch. In fact I know I have. I granted myself that authority. I've gone through a lot of crap in my life so for a little while I should be mean. I don't think should have complete control of themselves all the time. Every once in a while everyone cracks.
As we all can tell I don't know what I'm going to do with Jared and all this. Clearly I still love him and miss him so so so much. My whole family hates him though. They tell me not to take him back. Well Mainley my mom and Katie. You're probably thinking who cares what they think! but really, my mom and sister scare the crap out of me. It just bugs me they wait til I have a complete melt down before they decide to care. Another problem is his friends apparently they don't want us back together because we keep hurting each other. Also, his family pretty much hates me it seems.
Hopefully we can figure it out. Who would have known I could get myself caught up in such a big mess. I really like Jared, but it could just be a stage. But what kind of stage lasts over 5 months? Ugh.
------------------------------------
9-24-09
Yesterday, I didn't talk to Jared.
In shop we were walking out of the class to walk into the shop and I saw him staring at me through the window. He looked happy. School gets so depressing without him... Especially when I see him with Carley. Goll, I hate her so much!
Jared's been texting me all morning... He says he misses me. and Ugh. His mood swings are killing me. grr.
Friday, September 25, 2009
9.22.09 2:31am Moths...
I woke up and I can't sleep. The moths are eating my stomach again. I want to throw up. I wish I could. Every last piece of me.
It bugs me they are together and happy and just fine and dandy. Then, here I am suffering THIS much.
This is why I didn't want to let anyone in. This always happens. I want to cry but I cant get the tears to come out. Just these STUPID moths.
9:28pm
Yeah... This morning I woke up a total mess. I miss him so darn much. Steve is in Nevada right now for a singing thing. I woke up and mom say me. She asked why I was up and I told her about the moths. She told me to get milk. Then, she let me turn on a movie in her room. She got it for once. Like she was actually worried. When I turned the movie on I fell asleep.
Jared is putting me on a emotional roller coaster. I seriously wanted to die last night. So I let my friend and Jared know, This morning he pretended to be all worried about me. Then, Ugh... This is what really pushed my buttons...
He said he still loved me. ugh. I wanted to bawl. I said sure. Then I said,
"What happened then when you said you didn't love me?"
He said that I had took it wrong and he me and he needed more time to heal.
Also, he said he wasn't trying to make me jealous yesterday.
<3/ the bundle of nerves....
9-21-09 Seeing them together.
So, today completely sucked... I told Jared I didn't want to be friends because he hurt me so much....
H was with Carley all day today. I didn't think it would hurt me as much as it does. Every time I saw them in the halls they were together. Kinda like Jared and I used to be...
Then, after school them and a big group of friends were like holding hands in a circle. I bet they both liked that...
I went to cross country determined to run all my bad feelings away, and I did. Until I got back to the school. There they were in the same spot talking. I got dressed and when I walked out they were sitting alone on a bench together. Then, he got up and walked away like he used to do to me pretending to be mad. Then, they went and layed under a tree together. Ugh. I want to die. I'm so hurt. If he thought it would make me jealous... It did.
I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy.
That's what I have been trying to tell myself. So far I've only had my eyes water...
Want to know what I think? I think Jared is the selfish one. If he has the nerves to want to hurt my feelings that makes him selfish.
I called him a jerk and he said I made him the way he is. =[
No one can change him. Only he can. Right?
You know those butterflies in my stomach? Well now those are moths eating me from the inside out. Now I remember why I hated butterflies so much. I'M SO HURT!!! So... So... HURT!
At cross country I ran all my pain away. Until I saw them. I'll run ten more miles as long as this pain goes away.
Katie was talking to Ethan about how she hated Jared, and she told him we broke up. He asked if it was the Ciara Marsh thing. What Ciara Marsh thing?!? Was he cheating more?
...
Was I really that crappy of a girl friend?
Gosh...
I'm so ready to just crumble into a ball and roll away forever... (haha Corney.)
Grandma and grandpa are moving next week. Can't I just go with them? Please! Another fresh start.
Ugh... Anywhere but here.
Before Jared I had given up on guys completely. I wanted to be left alone. Then, he came and promised me he would treat me right.
Why did I listen!?!?! Stupid me. This is all his fault. I really just felt burnt out the day he was flirting with Katie. That hurt so much. It all was so sudden and just ended so quickly. What am I supposed to do now? School sucks without him.
9-20-09 Moving.
Grandma and Grandpa are moving back to Alaska next week. I'll only be here for about four more months. Lets out on a smiley FAKE and be happy!
So, now I'll be in a house for four months with a step dad who refuses to talk to me, who hates me, and is now in complete control... great.
9.20.09 What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.
No sign of the Carley obsessed Jerk.
He's left me to be. Maybe it's a good thing he is leaving me alone. Of course right now the only thing that is bothering me on the subject of Jared is that he called me selfish. I hid all my problems from him because I wanted him to love me for me, not the girl he feels bad for. Unlike Carley. Then, he told me to tell him if anything was bothering me; so I did and he called me selfish.
As stuck up as it sounds I don't think I'm selfish.
Ugh... speak of the devil he texted me.
Our conversation:
"Hey, if you want your necklace back it will be in the locker after 1st."
Kacee-
"I'm cleaning it out and giving you everything of yours back right when I get to school. You can have my jacket until I find yours. I guess forever isn't as long as we thought it would be."
Jared-
"I still want to be friends... And I never said you had to move out. I want you to stay because you back doesn't need extra weight, and I gave that stuff to you to keep, not to return."
Kacee-
"I don't want to be friends. I want to give you your stuff back because throwing it away will kill me. I don't want to be in your way. My back will be fine. What ever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. I'll find a guy who wont call me selfish when I'm crying to him over the phone."
Now he is saying after I broke up with him he had no feelings for me. Ouch. I'm acting all tough but tomorrow I'll fall apart. Ugh.
So, my next guy is going to be two inches taller than me. :D Heck yes!
------------------
Smiley fake.
------------------
Rain, rain go away come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun.
-----------------
9-19-09 While sitting at a wedding...
It sucks, sitting at a wedding watching a happy couple being sealed together with a kiss in front of everyone they know. Despite what everyone is thinking they smile showing everyone they don't care what everyone else thinks. They love each other. Right before they kiss you get a text from your boyfriend saying, "were through". Then, you look up to see the happy couple kiss and feel some tears stinging your eyes. The rest of the night you hold back the tears as you smile and tell everyone how cute the wedding is...
Jared broke up with me.
Last night grandma and grandpa were fighting. Grandma was going to leave grandpa. I was talking to Jared on the phone crying and he didn't even notice. Guess what he talked about? Just guess...
"Oh I have to rest I was at Carley's all day today helping them move. I'll be there all night too. I need to clean out the van to help Carley move too." I said, "Have fun being a slave." Then, I wake up to a text,
"Ugh, I'm so hungry I've been working at Carley's. I wont be able to text because my phone is dead and I'm at Carley's."
Carley. Carley. Carley.
He has been with her none stop. He said he would cut back on it for me, but he didn't.
Jared's always like,
"Poor Carley her parents are getting a divorce. I'm her only friend. She needs me. Her mom, her. and her siblings have to move a whole nine miles across town."
Never was it...
Poor Kacee her parents divorced as a kid. She had no friends. She had no one to turn to when she was little. Her mom, her, and her two sisters moved halfway across the country from their druggie of a dad who abused her mom, almost killed them, and was hurting, and stalking her mom.
Never was it poor Kacee she forgave her dad after years of hating him, and wishing he was dead; he died. She has to carry that guilt around with her every day. She can't stop thinking about it.
Never was it poor Kacee her mom married again to man who tells her she is just a stuck up teenager. He calls people and complains about Kacee and how horrible she is, who told her he wanted out of her life that he was sick of being a dad to her, and the only reason he is staying around is for her mom and little brother. Her step dad hasn't talked to her for two weeks, but he talks to everyone else.
No, not poor Kacee she constantly worries about her mom sinking into the depression she was in when Kacee was little. Kacee went home from school in "help mom mode" where she tried to cheer her mom up, but stupid Kacee you're too little. You couldn't possibly understand depression.
Forget Kacee, she only came to learn seven years later her dad cheated on her mom.
NOT POOR KACEE!!!
Poor Carley.
Don't worry about your girlfriend who was crying to you over the phone telling and you still didn't notice. It's okay. All that matters is poor poor Carley. Gosh, I just feel terrible for her.
Just
Terrible....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared told me if anything was bothering me to tell him, and when I did he called me selfish.
NO! Want to know what selfish is?
When someone complains to the guy she likes despite he has a girlfriend that her life is so terrible. Just so he will feel bad for her and help her. THAT'S SELFISH!
You don't see me bawling to Jared how bad my life sucks. No. I suck it up, write in my journal, and put on the happy face so everyone sees "the real" Kacee.
My new favorite song: (its in my playlist on my blog if you want to listen with the lyrics I wrote down.)
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over
9-16-09 He took me back... for now.
I got Jared back today. So, there is a boy I know. His name is Stephan and he asked me out. He is impatient about it. He's liked me for a while.
I told Jared about it and he instantly got annoyed.
He walked me to class and said,
"I'll tell you at lunch what my decision is." I said, "Good because Stephan is getting a little impatient." He said,
"What do you mean?" I said,
"He asked me out and is getting impatient for my answer." He said,
"Ugh that's annoying. I don't like him now." I just laughed and left.
Then, after school I stayed to do math and science when I was finished Jared was still there. We got back together then.
Then, I helped at cross country, and on the way home I talked to mom. I said,
"I don't know if it bothers you, but Jared and I are back together." We talked...
She said that she doesn't mind it but doesn't want me to waste my time on one guy. Also, she hates the he guilt trips me into wanting him back. That was my own decision he did nothing.
9-15-09 Mind games
(Sorry Rachelle. It must be weird reading about your brother. Sorry.)
Yesterday I didn't finish writing. I feel asleep on the couch. I left my journal open for mom to easily read... crap.
After our awkward but nice hugs when I got home I asked what he wanted to do. He asked my opinion. I told him I was hurt, sorry, and missed him. I also told him I wasn't going to go into details because I didn't want my opinions to change his. Makes sense right?
He said he was confused and didn't know what he wants.
9-14-09 The weight of the world.
You know the old quote, "The weight of the world is on your shoulders"?
Well today it was... Literally. I clean my stuff out of Jared's locker. We shared his because Jared got a top one, and I got a bottom one. My back pack was heavy.
-Math book
-Math notebook
-Science big book
-Science small book
-Science binder
-Reading book
-4 subject notebook
-Gym clothes
-Track clothes
-Track shoes
and all the other junk I needed.
So, I bet your wondering how today went with Jared and all. It sucked. School sucked.
Without Jared... It's like lonely?
In woods class we have together Jessica sat between us. I looked at him once and wanted to cry. (Jessica is my hero.) Next was lunch, and he texted me saying he looked at me a ton of times and wanted to cry. I told him where to meet me. He did. He walked up and I just... walked up to him and put my head on his shoulder. He said,
"Well hi Kacee." and put his arms around me. It felt great to be hugged by him again... Our friends left us alone, We hugged more and to be honest I can't remember our small talk. I was just grateful to be with him. (Corney, yes. but true.)
The rest of the day I was feeling better. We met after most of my classes and it was awkward but nice.
9-13-09 Steve refuses to talk to me.
Today, Steve isn't going to talk to me. He is going to act like a three year old thinking that all his problems will just go away... They wont.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
So, today Steve talking to everyone but me. Now, he hide in the basement packing up his tolls. He didn't talk nicely to everyone but its still something... Last time I fought with him he said,
"I'm only apologizing for telling your mom to fuck off." I ran downstairs crying. He has hurt me so much and still he refuses to apologize for that. To this day he hasn't. Fine, it that's how he wants it to be; then so be it... Two can play this game.
I'll strap on my mask and pretend like I'm not slowly dying inside and out. I'll smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt. Sure. I'll be sucked back into my depressing little hole.
But who cares anyways? I don't see people fighting their way in trying to meet the girl behind the mask.
9-13-09 7:50am Where's my Ben and Jerry's ice cream?
I've been up for a while. I can't fall asleep. Too many thoughts rid my mind right now... Can you blame me?
I got a text from Jared. He is making excuses saying,
"If you had the kind of life she did and only one true friend you would want them to be around and if you were that friend you would want to be there for them."
Okay? The kind of life she had? He doesn't know the crap I've been through, the things I say, and now I feel about them today.
This is what I replied,
"We've all had crap in our pasts most people deal with it. Unlike Carley who tricks you into being her friend by making you feel bad for her. At least I know my friends love me for me not the crap I have going from my past. My friends don;t even know a fraction of it because I want people to want me for me. Not for feeling bad for me."
Ugh... I need out. I need a boyfriend who understands. I can;t take Jared back he's hurt me so much.
I just poured myself a big bowl of cereal and I can't even bring myself around to eat it. So, its going to be the opposite this time eh? Before when I got depressed I would eat and eat and eat. Now, it's like I can't eat at all. Maybe, instead I'll go jogging. Maybe, I'll loose all this weight I've accumulated over the years.
Jared said last night Jessica was crying because she thought it was her fault. Kade said he didn't cheat. It doesn't matter now. I... just want to be happy right now. Who would have known being in the arms of love could be a bad thing?
Kade who is one of Jared's friends understands. He got it in one text. I said,
"He is always with her, talking about her, texting her, everything he says he wishes I was are things she has. He is a hypocrite and is so unfair." He said,
"I know... and I actually kind of noticed that... Although Carley is one of my friends. But I get where you are coming from. And if people are going to be together then they have to give things up for each other. Because of it there are just certain people you don't want them around."
Jared's switching out of my woods class. Why does that hurt me so much?
**********************************
Jared wants to "fix" things between up. Apparently, Ashley and Kade knocked some sense into him. He's hurt. How is he hurt? I'm the one who got cheated on. While he was in the middle of his "true and sincere" apology he let me know he was with Carley. They were getting boxes for Carley's mom. Surprise, Surprise his phone died. Isn't that what usually happens? W H A T E V E R! He wants to talk tomorrow. The only talking he is going to get is to my back... as I'm walking away.
All I can say is tomorrow is going to be a lonely and depressing day, but part of me doesn't even care. Part of me actually wants to be alone.
<3/ the girl who threw her whole life away in two days-Kacee
9-12-09 Why Jared and I broke up the first time...
(Same day I got in a fight with my step dad. I was sick of the drama irritated easily, and just yeah. Hopefully who ever is reading understands.)
Anyways, I cried in my room til' I couldn't get anymore tears out of my eyes. Then, Katie came in gave me a hug and told me to get ready to go to Richfield to watch her sing. I showered and got so cleaned up you wouldn't have even though I was crying. (I got practice at faking my happiness about two years ago.)
When we were there I got a text from Jared saying he was going to homecoming to chill with friends. The first thing that popped into my head was Carley. For the past few weeks he's been going behind my back to hangout with her. My friends told me that's who he was with every time I ask him about it he blows it off like it's no big deal. Well it is to me...
Then, come to find out he used to be dating her. I mean it hurts enough to see him hug her every time I text he is handing out with her. He has even stayed at her house til really late on a school night to help her move, but he couldn't text me because apparently his phone died.
Every time we are around he is text or talking to her. I swear he has blown me off to be with her.
Then, on rock star day he came to school wearing her jeans and shirt.
The other night at school dance he had her glasses in his pocket. When I asked him he said she left them at some bridge, and she asked him to get them for her. That of when they were making out they were in the way so they had to take them off. Two days before that he was at that bridge "sleeping", but Megan said he left with Carley that night.
So, sick of being hurt I broke up with him tonight. I got multiple texts from him saying he wasn't cheating, but I don't even care. I deserve better. Right? I shouldn't have to worry he is out cheating.
He tricked me into saying I would never break up with him, to trust him, and all this stuff. I just needed out I guess. I'm fourteen for heaven sakes. I don't need this kind of pressure... not now.
To think I Changed myself for him. My family hates me for being with him.
Corney as it sounds... Want to know what hurts me the most? He hurt me... and I'm pretty sure I still "love" him.
I wanted out and at the same time I wanted in. He made me so happy at the beginning.
There is no such thing as a happy ending.
After I got a text saying he was going to homecoming I got another saying he had to pick Carley up. I asked who she was going with and he said she didn't have a date... hmm... suspicious....
-------------------------------------------
Crap, It's 12:46.
He is back from homecoming, and I just got a text from him... It said,
"I never cheated... I'm sorry."
I said,
"What ever."
Ugh... I'm so hurt right now, and to think... I thought I ran out of tears.
9-12-09 Why my step dad refuses to talk to me...
(Directly from my Journal. . . )
Today has sucked... So, I was watching a TV show called "The Vampire Diaries". I read the book two summers ago. It was a good book.
Anyways, There was a part on it that was bad, I had already seen it and that was the only bad part on that episode. Mom told me to turn it off. I tried explaining that that was only the bad part and that girl gets eaten, but she just kept quiet. Then, she told me to also take my clothes down stairs. Then, Steve flipped on me. I got up grabbed my clothes and ran down stairs. While I was going down I herd him yelling,
"AND YOU STILL DIDN'T TURN IT OFF! YOU KNOW KACEE YOU LISTEN ABOUT AS GOOD AND NOTHING!!!"
When I got in my room I cried and cried. I herd Steve yelling from upstairs, and I went and listened at the bottom of the stairs. He was talking about how I'm just a stupid teenager who only cares about myself and is a problem to him all the time. I walked up and mom saw me. She said,
"Don't worry Kacee every things fine." I said,
"No it's not..." and Steve yelled at me. I got sick of it and screamed,
"NO STEVE! YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" he flipped. He was all up in my face pointing, and screaming telling me to never tell him to shut up that he was the adult. Then mom came between us and he stepped back. She was yelling, and he was yelling. They were arguing and to be honest I didn't know whose side mom was on. Then Grandma came in and yelled,
" Steve you should never be yelling at her like this, and do as I say no as I do does not apply!!! Kacee don't tell any grown up to shut up."
More yelling...
I went in my room and cried and cried. I herd Katie yelling. Steve said,
"I'm talking to your mom you stay out of this!!!" Katie said,
"No! You're talking about me therefore I'm in this too! ITS MY BUSINESS TOO!"
A little while later Katie came in my room and said,
"Kacee don't worry its not your fault. He is being an ass hole."
One thing he was yelling to my mom about was that all week I was out doing stuff, and not doing my chores. She flipped,
"Steve this week is homecoming there is activities all week long. She would call me and ask to stay at Jessica's so she didn't have to waste gas."
He said I was playing mind games to get her to say yes. She came unglued.
"I tell Kacee no all the time! She gave me the choice she said mom I can ride the bus home or stay at Jessica's so we don't waste gas. SHE LEFT IT UP TO ME!"
And just all this crap... Here's the real story:
A while ago Steve flipped out at me telling me that going to friends houses was wasting gas. So, instead I just started going to their houses right after school, and shill there til whatever activity I was going to started. Then, he complained about me not getting my chores done because I was at friends houses. Okay? So, I now have to ride the bus home, do my chores, then walk nine miles back to Nephi so I get my chores done and not waste gas? Or just not have any friends so he gets his way?
My mom was like,
"So, now they can't go to friends houses because you don't want to allow it? There only allowed to hang out one night a week because you have to have your way?!"
And you want to know what makes me angry? I listen to Steve's crap 24'7, but never does Kacee get to add how she feels about ht situation. Kacee's just a stupid 14 year old teenager who is brainless, and just a pain in Steve's life. Kacee's opinion doesn't matter and never will... ever. So, because Kacee's existence on earth is pointless she has to listen and do everything Steve says because he is the adult and I'm just the stupid teenager.
Steve always has to get his way because he is the man of the house, the "dad", and he knows best. He doesn't know whats best, he can't control his temper, and he is NOT my dad.
Wasn't it just a couple months ago that he told me he was sick and tired of trying to be a dad to me? That he would never do anything for me again, and the only reason he was staying was for my mom and little brother? When mom and him were telling she said,
"Steve you've already told those girls you don't want to be around them, so why are you still here? If you're going to treat them like this than just leave. They've already been through this... Don't put them through this again."
A while back we visited Colorado and Steve's mom was telling me the Steve calls and complains all the time about me. Then, she realized the glare I gave her and she covered it up by saying...
"Uh... but he sure loves you..." Wow. Am I really that bad?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Break up.
So, I broke up with my boyfriend, and because of me my parents are getting divorced.
Why do I ruin everything? I secretly want Jared back.... but he has hurt me so much, and I can only deal with so much hurt at one time....
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Life & Death
In a moment it was all gone. Everything you worked for, everything you did, everything that mean't so much was lost in a thing called the past. All happy, sad, scary, and wonderful memories washed away in an innocent glance of yesterday. Healing took it's time to heal, stealing every memory to steal.
While walking down a narrow unknown hall way I noticed it to some how be familiar. I come to a door and as I look through the windows there you are. Your sweet memories flash back in an instant. You seem way more happy then ever before, so calm, so serene, and so unlike your usual self. You were talking laughing and making jokes. Thinking to myself, "Your alive! How could that be I stood over your casket trying not to cry. I held my family members when they needed me most. I sang at your funeral, but... YOU'RE ALIVE NOTHING MATTERS NOW! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" I pull on the door handle and it's locked. In a sudden all those happy feelings were washed away.
I pull, push, turn, and the door wouldn't budge. Seeing you inside just out of reach laughing, and having a great time without me. The door still wouldn't open. I broke down into a sudden. I sat there all alone and hurting. Hurting know that there is a thin distinction between life and death, and that your just out of my reach...
