Thanksgiving... my dad... my birthday...

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Ugh. The 26th on this Month is Thanksgiving... Anyone else know what day that is?

Anyone? ...

The day my dad died. What a terrible thing for life to do. How ironic is it that Thanksgiving happens to fall on my dad's death date? So, when were going around the table telling our family what were thankful for what should I say? hmmmm...

"I am thankful that my dad died this very same day a couple years ago. I am so very thankful I am reminded by it, and can't seem to heal. I am thankful my step dad doesn't want to be a dad to me. I am thankful every time I see people with their dad's I want to cry because it will NEVER be that way for me again. I am thankful that I didn't realize I would miss my dad when he was gone. Thankful that for the rest of my life it's going to be that way. I am thankful people lied when they say all wounds heal with time because they don't. I am thankful that I am reminded so often of his death that the almost healed wounds rip open again. I am thankful I can't have a birthday with out being sad knowing my dad's funeral was on my birthday. I am thankful I have such a great life."

Then, should I say amen? Stand up and take a bow? or look at the person next to me letting them know it was their turn?

hmmm....

Aside from all the pain I learned the most important lesson in life. You don't realize what you have until its gone.

You will miss me.

You will miss me when I go
You will want the girl you used to know
Unique and different she'll never be near
You'll be wishing she was here
The girl you changed to meet your needs
To satisfy your wrong deeds
The lost girl determined to be found
Successful that girl was to be bound
She is gone you'll miss her so
You'll miss the girl you used to know

Swine Flu

Hopefully you guys have noticed that I have not been in school for the past week. I got the swine flu. It started by me laying on the couch and my mom looked at me and said my eyes were blood shot. My parents literally locked me in my room. They put a TV that had dish network on it and wouldn't let me leave my room. My mom brought me all my meals. They were afraid I had swine flu. (Swine flu can kill my step dad with his bleeding disorder. His body could turn agaisnt him and kill him.) I had a fever of 102.2 and so my mom took me to the doctors the next day.
They gave me medication for my sinuses, my cough, and anti swine pills. I also set a a date for physical therapy, and had to get a X-ray on my chest they were worried I had fluid in my lungs. I didn't.
7 days in my room sucked. I literally thought I was going to go crazy. On day two I was walking to the bathroom and everything got dark and I couldn't see and I then woke up on the floor. I had blacked out or passed out. I called my mom and she helped me up. I couldn't walk straight.
Day 4 I got a bloody nose that wouldnt stop for an hour and a half. I went to the hospital and they couldnt get it to stop. My burned the vein inside of my nose to close it but then i sneezed and broke it open again.

I now feel a little better but I cant get my body to eat. Everything tasts disgusting and my aunt saw me in the store today and was really worried she said I look way too skinny, and that it isnt healthy. :(

(This may not make any sense to any of you. It's about my dad who loved snow he would always take walks in it when he got stressed; It made him happy. The last Christmas I spent with him I was fighting with him and his new family. He yelled at me because I still believed in Santa Claus. I was little confused and hurt. I was really upset because Santa Claus was what Christmas spirit was. I remember him crying saying, "Kacee Santa Clause doesn't exist. He did once. He took presants to little kids all around the world, but that was back when the world was small. He doesn't now. That would be impossible." I just remember standing there crying in my big shoes and jacket that was too big for me. I didn't want him to hug me ever again. He told me he loved me and I rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't hear him. He ruined my Christmas. I went back to the house and cried to my mom on the phone. After he died... The next Christmas after that I was still a little mad at him for ruining Christmas I told my mom and she started crying she said, "Kacee your dad called me that night upset. He said Shannon what do I do? I need help. What do I do?" I now kick myself everytime Christmas rolls around for ever being mad at him especially after he called my mom to have her fix it. So here is my story about it. If any of you guys say you hate snow after reading this ill be SOOOO mad at you. Atleast don't say it infront of me.)

Never did it cross my mind until that very day... I walked into that funeral home; the snow that lit up the gray... I watched my mom as she told me about how much my dad had loved it so... A new perspective hit me harder then I would ever know... Snow that seemed so ugly, cold, and a burden to bare... Now became the answer to my upsetting parayer. When I see it snowing I think back to the day when all the snow was fallen... And you weren't yet gone away... You were taking the dog for a walk and asked me to go... Christmas that year was a hard one you asked me to take a walk through the snow... We talked about how you loved me and I rolled my eyes and looked away... Never had I cried so hard before your dying day... I thought you ruined Christmas; I was so upset to find out that Santa Claus wasn't real... This holiday means nothing now, ruining Christmas wasn't part of the deal... Now that your dead I swear I see you standing in the snow...

As if your waiting for me to come, asking me to go... A memory that is so bad but also helped me see, the snow is like your love for me. When it snows I no longer see the bitter cold, I see my dad's love again starting to unfold.

Can You Hear It Calling

Can you hear it calling

when you lie awake in your bed.

With all the thoughts that rid your head

the thoughts that make you smile

When all your wishing seems worth while

Can you hear it calling

when you hear his name

his voice it makes you go insane

as you write your name's in hearts

as the pounding in your chest starts

Can you hear it calling

a journal filled with pages about him

a love so bright will never dim

as you tell your best friend about your crush

wondering if he saw you blush

Can you hear it calling

deep within your soul

it makes you loose your self control

a role that plays no part

deep within your very heart

Like A Drug

like a drug you pull me in
sweeter than the sweetest sin
making me want you, crave you, love you
to my heart your promised to be true
but like all things that come to pass
all the happyness it will never last
like a drug you made me seeing things
better then what life brings
you made me want forever with you
Trusting my heart I wanted you to be true
Now I see it clear as can be
like a drug you played with me
In the end with a shattered heart
in the end love played no part
Rotten insides and needing theropy
Still craving you... you and me

Leading me on....

I thought Jared and I finally started to fix things. Finally! He always asks for hugs says sweet things crap like that. He even said he still "loves" me and wants to fix things. So, here we are trying to fix things. Finally things go right.

I see Carley in the halls at school, I see them together, and hear they are together, and corney as it sounds I swear my heart breaks all over again.

So what? Is Jared just leading me on? It sure seems like that. I hate Carley. She is such a selfish bitch. She ruined everything for me with her complaining.

He just lied to me saying him, Andreas, Stephan, and Carley were going to juvy, and getting suspended. I was upset especially when he said he was joking. It was not funny. Then, I was already hurt from seeing him and Carley flirting in the halls today. I didn't need to hear she was with him.

After school he asked why I looked upset I just told him I didn't know and that I just had a bad feeling... Little did he know he was the cause of it. I ran off my anger at cross country until he texted me saying he was with her.

I just ugh. Can I move? Please? I don't need some selfish jerk toying with my emotions I really can't handle much more...

How Loved That Man Became

Never did I notice as people filled the chairs

Looking at the sorrow in their faces and their stares

Never had it hit me harder then that day

When all the world had fallin into a dark depressing gray

People coming to see whats left of the man they come to know

Assuring me they'd miss the man and how they loved him so.

Never did it occure to me how loved that man became
Until I saw the room fill; the number of people was insane.

Regretting not telling the sad faces how I loved him so

Learning that day he loved me more then I would ever know.

Stuck with memory of how full the room was that day,

I learned he was loved more then words could ever say.

The Lost Message

"When he was a kid, his grandfather had told him a World War I story about a solider who had lost a message warning of an imminent enemy attack. Afterward the solider always blamed himself for the terrible casualties and went through life looking in gutters and under stones for the lost message."
I was reading a book by Mary Higgins Clark and when I read this it immediately caught my eye. I don't know why I like it so much. I can picture it in my head so well.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm like the solider. I blame myself for my dad's death because I had wished he would die; and he did. So, for the rest of my life I will be looking for a way to make up for killing my dad. I will always blame myself, and look for peace for the rest of my life. In the soldiers case looking for the message under stones and in gutters for the rest of his life.

The last what seems like forever posts are directly from my journal. I had a feeling I should put them on here. Like a gut feeling... So I did. So, Rachelle if you don't want to read about your brother I suggest you find another blog to read. Or anyone in that matter. I bet all my friends don't want to hear about it. I know eventually I would get sick of it.

I apologize to Rachelle. I guess I get how weird it is that someone like me would go out with your brother, but if you think about it... We were never really that close. Sure, we hung out every once in a while but that was really it. I didn't think you would be mad, but I guess I was wrong. So, I'm sorry for making things weird for you, and I hope you'll forgive me.

Jared isn't as terrible as a person I made him out to be in my journal... I was really... Really hurt, and I was venting. Something I usually don't do... I really really miss him. Today I wanted to text him, and well of course I did. I really miss him. Ugh. I don't know what to do.

Hopefully things will unfold into something worth waiting for... Part of me is so sick of waiting. I don't want to be like Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, or Snow White. Haha. Stupid princesses worthless in every way except looking pretty. What kind of girl would want to wait around for a prince to save them? Why not take control and slay the ugly step mom, or witch, or whatever by themselves. Haha. I guess they didn't have a choice. Still though they were sleeping at least two of the three were. Haha. Like I said worthless...

Haha. Sorry I've been helping my grandpa load up the truck and everything all day. This is the first time I have had a break all day. I smell like a man, cuts and scrapes everywhere, I'm sun burn't, and now I think I'm going crazy because everything is funny! Katie and I were talking about sand paper and I just went on... My whole family was busting up because I was making no sense. lol.

9.25.09 what to do.....

I didn't go to school again today. Grandma's brother is dying and grandma drove to Wyoming to see him. Therefore I got stuck watching chase.
I guess you could say these two days of school off helped. Seeing Jared so happy and me being miserable just wasn't that fun.

Mom thinks because I was already sick being stressed was making me even sicker. I get that. It seems I'm always sick. I just learned to not complain.

Yesterday, Jared and I talked on the phone. I told him he only had ten minutes and it turned into an hour and twenty minutes. I pretty much told him everything I have written in my journal the past few weeks. In the end it seemed like he got it. I hope. That or he was just pretending so we can stop fighting. I bet lately I've sounded like a pretty big bitch. In fact I know I have. I granted myself that authority. I've gone through a lot of crap in my life so for a little while I should be mean. I don't think should have complete control of themselves all the time. Every once in a while everyone cracks.

As we all can tell I don't know what I'm going to do with Jared and all this. Clearly I still love him and miss him so so so much. My whole family hates him though. They tell me not to take him back. Well Mainley my mom and Katie. You're probably thinking who cares what they think! but really, my mom and sister scare the crap out of me. It just bugs me they wait til I have a complete melt down before they decide to care. Another problem is his friends apparently they don't want us back together because we keep hurting each other. Also, his family pretty much hates me it seems.
Hopefully we can figure it out. Who would have known I could get myself caught up in such a big mess. I really like Jared, but it could just be a stage. But what kind of stage lasts over 5 months? Ugh.
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9-24-09

Yesterday, I didn't talk to Jared.
In shop we were walking out of the class to walk into the shop and I saw him staring at me through the window. He looked happy. School gets so depressing without him... Especially when I see him with Carley. Goll, I hate her so much!

Jared's been texting me all morning... He says he misses me. and Ugh. His mood swings are killing me. grr.

9.22.09 2:31am Moths...

I woke up and I can't sleep. The moths are eating my stomach again. I want to throw up. I wish I could. Every last piece of me.
It bugs me they are together and happy and just fine and dandy. Then, here I am suffering THIS much.
This is why I didn't want to let anyone in. This always happens. I want to cry but I cant get the tears to come out. Just these STUPID moths.

9:28pm
Yeah... This morning I woke up a total mess. I miss him so darn much. Steve is in Nevada right now for a singing thing. I woke up and mom say me. She asked why I was up and I told her about the moths. She told me to get milk. Then, she let me turn on a movie in her room. She got it for once. Like she was actually worried. When I turned the movie on I fell asleep.


Jared is putting me on a emotional roller coaster. I seriously wanted to die last night. So I let my friend and Jared know, This morning he pretended to be all worried about me. Then, Ugh... This is what really pushed my buttons...
He said he still loved me. ugh. I wanted to bawl. I said sure. Then I said,
"What happened then when you said you didn't love me?"
He said that I had took it wrong and he me and he needed more time to heal.
Also, he said he wasn't trying to make me jealous yesterday.

<3/ the bundle of nerves....

9-21-09 Seeing them together.

So, today completely sucked... I told Jared I didn't want to be friends because he hurt me so much....
H was with Carley all day today. I didn't think it would hurt me as much as it does. Every time I saw them in the halls they were together. Kinda like Jared and I used to be...

Then, after school them and a big group of friends were like holding hands in a circle. I bet they both liked that...

I went to cross country determined to run all my bad feelings away, and I did. Until I got back to the school. There they were in the same spot talking. I got dressed and when I walked out they were sitting alone on a bench together. Then, he got up and walked away like he used to do to me pretending to be mad. Then, they went and layed under a tree together. Ugh. I want to die. I'm so hurt. If he thought it would make me jealous... It did.

I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy. I will not cry over a guy.
That's what I have been trying to tell myself. So far I've only had my eyes water...

Want to know what I think? I think Jared is the selfish one. If he has the nerves to want to hurt my feelings that makes him selfish.
I called him a jerk and he said I made him the way he is. =[
No one can change him. Only he can. Right?

You know those butterflies in my stomach? Well now those are moths eating me from the inside out. Now I remember why I hated butterflies so much. I'M SO HURT!!! So... So... HURT!

At cross country I ran all my pain away. Until I saw them. I'll run ten more miles as long as this pain goes away.

Katie was talking to Ethan about how she hated Jared, and she told him we broke up. He asked if it was the Ciara Marsh thing. What Ciara Marsh thing?!? Was he cheating more?
...
Was I really that crappy of a girl friend?
Gosh...
I'm so ready to just crumble into a ball and roll away forever... (haha Corney.)

Grandma and grandpa are moving next week. Can't I just go with them? Please! Another fresh start.
Ugh... Anywhere but here.

Before Jared I had given up on guys completely. I wanted to be left alone. Then, he came and promised me he would treat me right.
Why did I listen!?!?! Stupid me. This is all his fault. I really just felt burnt out the day he was flirting with Katie. That hurt so much. It all was so sudden and just ended so quickly. What am I supposed to do now? School sucks without him.

9-20-09 Moving.

Grandma and Grandpa are moving back to Alaska next week. I'll only be here for about four more months. Lets out on a smiley FAKE and be happy!

So, now I'll be in a house for four months with a step dad who refuses to talk to me, who hates me, and is now in complete control... great.

9.20.09 What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

No sign of the Carley obsessed Jerk.
He's left me to be. Maybe it's a good thing he is leaving me alone. Of course right now the only thing that is bothering me on the subject of Jared is that he called me selfish. I hid all my problems from him because I wanted him to love me for me, not the girl he feels bad for. Unlike Carley. Then, he told me to tell him if anything was bothering me; so I did and he called me selfish.
As stuck up as it sounds I don't think I'm selfish.
Ugh... speak of the devil he texted me.

Our conversation:
"Hey, if you want your necklace back it will be in the locker after 1st."
Kacee-
"I'm cleaning it out and giving you everything of yours back right when I get to school. You can have my jacket until I find yours. I guess forever isn't as long as we thought it would be."
Jared-
"I still want to be friends... And I never said you had to move out. I want you to stay because you back doesn't need extra weight, and I gave that stuff to you to keep, not to return."
Kacee-
"I don't want to be friends. I want to give you your stuff back because throwing it away will kill me. I don't want to be in your way. My back will be fine. What ever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. I'll find a guy who wont call me selfish when I'm crying to him over the phone."

Now he is saying after I broke up with him he had no feelings for me. Ouch. I'm acting all tough but tomorrow I'll fall apart. Ugh.
So, my next guy is going to be two inches taller than me. :D Heck yes!

------------------
Smiley fake.
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Rain, rain go away come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun.

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A twist in my love story

by me...

He holds me when I'm falling apart.

He's the missing piece of my heart.

He holds my waste and whispers in my ears.

He listens to my every fear.

His smile brightens up my day.

He is just one phone call away.

He's the boy every girl dreams of.

He's the perfect match; the one I love.

There is just one thing you need to know.

I dream about him,

but he loves her so....

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Tomorrow, I'll go back to Kacee Llewelyn. Katie's kid sister. The girl no guys wants. With black hair and Blondie eyes brows. The nobody. The tall girl people can really love, or really hate.

<3/>

9-19-09 While sitting at a wedding...

It sucks, sitting at a wedding watching a happy couple being sealed together with a kiss in front of everyone they know. Despite what everyone is thinking they smile showing everyone they don't care what everyone else thinks. They love each other. Right before they kiss you get a text from your boyfriend saying, "were through". Then, you look up to see the happy couple kiss and feel some tears stinging your eyes. The rest of the night you hold back the tears as you smile and tell everyone how cute the wedding is...
Jared broke up with me.
Last night grandma and grandpa were fighting. Grandma was going to leave grandpa. I was talking to Jared on the phone crying and he didn't even notice. Guess what he talked about? Just guess...
"Oh I have to rest I was at Carley's all day today helping them move. I'll be there all night too. I need to clean out the van to help Carley move too." I said, "Have fun being a slave." Then, I wake up to a text,
"Ugh, I'm so hungry I've been working at Carley's. I wont be able to text because my phone is dead and I'm at Carley's."
Carley. Carley. Carley.
He has been with her none stop. He said he would cut back on it for me, but he didn't.
Jared's always like,
"Poor Carley her parents are getting a divorce. I'm her only friend. She needs me. Her mom, her. and her siblings have to move a whole nine miles across town."
Never was it...
Poor Kacee her parents divorced as a kid. She had no friends. She had no one to turn to when she was little. Her mom, her, and her two sisters moved halfway across the country from their druggie of a dad who abused her mom, almost killed them, and was hurting, and stalking her mom.
Never was it poor Kacee she forgave her dad after years of hating him, and wishing he was dead; he died. She has to carry that guilt around with her every day. She can't stop thinking about it.
Never was it poor Kacee her mom married again to man who tells her she is just a stuck up teenager. He calls people and complains about Kacee and how horrible she is, who told her he wanted out of her life that he was sick of being a dad to her, and the only reason he is staying around is for her mom and little brother. Her step dad hasn't talked to her for two weeks, but he talks to everyone else.
No, not poor Kacee she constantly worries about her mom sinking into the depression she was in when Kacee was little. Kacee went home from school in "help mom mode" where she tried to cheer her mom up, but stupid Kacee you're too little. You couldn't possibly understand depression.
Forget Kacee, she only came to learn seven years later her dad cheated on her mom.
NOT POOR KACEE!!!
Poor Carley.

Don't worry about your girlfriend who was crying to you over the phone telling and you still didn't notice. It's okay. All that matters is poor poor Carley. Gosh, I just feel terrible for her.
Just
Terrible....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared told me if anything was bothering me to tell him, and when I did he called me selfish.

NO! Want to know what selfish is?
When someone complains to the guy she likes despite he has a girlfriend that her life is so terrible. Just so he will feel bad for her and help her. THAT'S SELFISH!

You don't see me bawling to Jared how bad my life sucks. No. I suck it up, write in my journal, and put on the happy face so everyone sees "the real" Kacee.

My new favorite song: (its in my playlist on my blog if you want to listen with the lyrics I wrote down.)

Its Now it's Over

by Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over
I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

yup...

<3/>

9-16-09 He took me back... for now.

I got Jared back today. So, there is a boy I know. His name is Stephan and he asked me out. He is impatient about it. He's liked me for a while.

I told Jared about it and he instantly got annoyed.
He walked me to class and said,
"I'll tell you at lunch what my decision is." I said, "Good because Stephan is getting a little impatient." He said,
"What do you mean?" I said,
"He asked me out and is getting impatient for my answer." He said,
"Ugh that's annoying. I don't like him now." I just laughed and left.

Then, after school I stayed to do math and science when I was finished Jared was still there. We got back together then.

Then, I helped at cross country, and on the way home I talked to mom. I said,
"I don't know if it bothers you, but Jared and I are back together." We talked...
She said that she doesn't mind it but doesn't want me to waste my time on one guy. Also, she hates the he guilt trips me into wanting him back. That was my own decision he did nothing.

9-15-09 Mind games

(Sorry Rachelle. It must be weird reading about your brother. Sorry.)

Yesterday I didn't finish writing. I feel asleep on the couch. I left my journal open for mom to easily read... crap.

Continuing from yesterday...

After our awkward but nice hugs when I got home I asked what he wanted to do. He asked my opinion. I told him I was hurt, sorry, and missed him. I also told him I wasn't going to go into details because I didn't want my opinions to change his. Makes sense right?
He said he was confused and didn't know what he wants.

Today:

Texting during school he was telling me that he was confused and hurt. He said the night I broke up with him if felt like I tied strings to his heart and was playing with it... I came unglued! He shouldn't be the one saying that. Especially when HE cheated on ME! He took his ex-girlfriend to homecoming. Pretty much. URGH! He didn't even bother telling me 'til he was with her.

Now who again was playing with whose heart?

Mom keeps asking me what my plans with Jared are. She doesn't want me to take him back. She thinks he is a terrible person but he really isn't. At least in my eyes.

9-14-09 The weight of the world.

You know the old quote, "The weight of the world is on your shoulders"?
Well today it was... Literally. I clean my stuff out of Jared's locker. We shared his because Jared got a top one, and I got a bottom one. My back pack was heavy.
-Math book
-Math notebook
-Science big book
-Science small book
-Science binder
-Reading book
-4 subject notebook
-Gym clothes
-Track clothes
-Track shoes
and all the other junk I needed.

So, I bet your wondering how today went with Jared and all. It sucked. School sucked.
Without Jared... It's like lonely?
In woods class we have together Jessica sat between us. I looked at him once and wanted to cry. (Jessica is my hero.) Next was lunch, and he texted me saying he looked at me a ton of times and wanted to cry. I told him where to meet me. He did. He walked up and I just... walked up to him and put my head on his shoulder. He said,
"Well hi Kacee." and put his arms around me. It felt great to be hugged by him again... Our friends left us alone, We hugged more and to be honest I can't remember our small talk. I was just grateful to be with him. (Corney, yes. but true.)
The rest of the day I was feeling better. We met after most of my classes and it was awkward but nice.

9-13-09 Steve refuses to talk to me.

Today, Steve isn't going to talk to me. He is going to act like a three year old thinking that all his problems will just go away... They wont.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

So, today Steve talking to everyone but me. Now, he hide in the basement packing up his tolls. He didn't talk nicely to everyone but its still something... Last time I fought with him he said,
"I'm only apologizing for telling your mom to fuck off." I ran downstairs crying. He has hurt me so much and still he refuses to apologize for that. To this day he hasn't. Fine, it that's how he wants it to be; then so be it... Two can play this game.
I'll strap on my mask and pretend like I'm not slowly dying inside and out. I'll smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt. Sure. I'll be sucked back into my depressing little hole.
But who cares anyways? I don't see people fighting their way in trying to meet the girl behind the mask.

9-13-09 7:50am Where's my Ben and Jerry's ice cream?

I've been up for a while. I can't fall asleep. Too many thoughts rid my mind right now... Can you blame me?
I got a text from Jared. He is making excuses saying,
"If you had the kind of life she did and only one true friend you would want them to be around and if you were that friend you would want to be there for them."
Okay? The kind of life she had? He doesn't know the crap I've been through, the things I say, and now I feel about them today.
This is what I replied,
"We've all had crap in our pasts most people deal with it. Unlike Carley who tricks you into being her friend by making you feel bad for her. At least I know my friends love me for me not the crap I have going from my past. My friends don;t even know a fraction of it because I want people to want me for me. Not for feeling bad for me."

Ugh... I need out. I need a boyfriend who understands. I can;t take Jared back he's hurt me so much.
I just poured myself a big bowl of cereal and I can't even bring myself around to eat it. So, its going to be the opposite this time eh? Before when I got depressed I would eat and eat and eat. Now, it's like I can't eat at all. Maybe, instead I'll go jogging. Maybe, I'll loose all this weight I've accumulated over the years.

Jared said last night Jessica was crying because she thought it was her fault. Kade said he didn't cheat. It doesn't matter now. I... just want to be happy right now. Who would have known being in the arms of love could be a bad thing?
Kade who is one of Jared's friends understands. He got it in one text. I said,
"He is always with her, talking about her, texting her, everything he says he wishes I was are things she has. He is a hypocrite and is so unfair." He said,
"I know... and I actually kind of noticed that... Although Carley is one of my friends. But I get where you are coming from. And if people are going to be together then they have to give things up for each other. Because of it there are just certain people you don't want them around."

Jared's switching out of my woods class. Why does that hurt me so much?
**********************************
Jared wants to "fix" things between up. Apparently, Ashley and Kade knocked some sense into him. He's hurt. How is he hurt? I'm the one who got cheated on. While he was in the middle of his "true and sincere" apology he let me know he was with Carley. They were getting boxes for Carley's mom. Surprise, Surprise his phone died. Isn't that what usually happens? W H A T E V E R! He wants to talk tomorrow. The only talking he is going to get is to my back... as I'm walking away.

All I can say is tomorrow is going to be a lonely and depressing day, but part of me doesn't even care. Part of me actually wants to be alone.

<3/ the girl who threw her whole life away in two days-Kacee

9-12-09 Why Jared and I broke up the first time...

(Same day I got in a fight with my step dad. I was sick of the drama irritated easily, and just yeah. Hopefully who ever is reading understands.)

Anyways, I cried in my room til' I couldn't get anymore tears out of my eyes. Then, Katie came in gave me a hug and told me to get ready to go to Richfield to watch her sing. I showered and got so cleaned up you wouldn't have even though I was crying. (I got practice at faking my happiness about two years ago.)
When we were there I got a text from Jared saying he was going to homecoming to chill with friends. The first thing that popped into my head was Carley. For the past few weeks he's been going behind my back to hangout with her. My friends told me that's who he was with every time I ask him about it he blows it off like it's no big deal. Well it is to me...
Then, come to find out he used to be dating her. I mean it hurts enough to see him hug her every time I text he is handing out with her. He has even stayed at her house til really late on a school night to help her move, but he couldn't text me because apparently his phone died.
Every time we are around he is text or talking to her. I swear he has blown me off to be with her.
Then, on rock star day he came to school wearing her jeans and shirt.
The other night at school dance he had her glasses in his pocket. When I asked him he said she left them at some bridge, and she asked him to get them for her. That of when they were making out they were in the way so they had to take them off. Two days before that he was at that bridge "sleeping", but Megan said he left with Carley that night.
So, sick of being hurt I broke up with him tonight. I got multiple texts from him saying he wasn't cheating, but I don't even care. I deserve better. Right? I shouldn't have to worry he is out cheating.
He tricked me into saying I would never break up with him, to trust him, and all this stuff. I just needed out I guess. I'm fourteen for heaven sakes. I don't need this kind of pressure... not now.
To think I Changed myself for him. My family hates me for being with him.
Corney as it sounds... Want to know what hurts me the most? He hurt me... and I'm pretty sure I still "love" him.
I wanted out and at the same time I wanted in. He made me so happy at the beginning.

There is no such thing as a happy ending.

After I got a text saying he was going to homecoming I got another saying he had to pick Carley up. I asked who she was going with and he said she didn't have a date... hmm... suspicious....
-------------------------------------------
Crap, It's 12:46.
He is back from homecoming, and I just got a text from him... It said,
"I never cheated... I'm sorry."
I said,
"What ever."

Ugh... I'm so hurt right now, and to think... I thought I ran out of tears.

9-12-09 Why my step dad refuses to talk to me...

(Directly from my Journal. . . )
Today has sucked... So, I was watching a TV show called "The Vampire Diaries". I read the book two summers ago. It was a good book.

Anyways, There was a part on it that was bad, I had already seen it and that was the only bad part on that episode. Mom told me to turn it off. I tried explaining that that was only the bad part and that girl gets eaten, but she just kept quiet. Then, she told me to also take my clothes down stairs. Then, Steve flipped on me. I got up grabbed my clothes and ran down stairs. While I was going down I herd him yelling,
"AND YOU STILL DIDN'T TURN IT OFF! YOU KNOW KACEE YOU LISTEN ABOUT AS GOOD AND NOTHING!!!"
When I got in my room I cried and cried. I herd Steve yelling from upstairs, and I went and listened at the bottom of the stairs. He was talking about how I'm just a stupid teenager who only cares about myself and is a problem to him all the time. I walked up and mom saw me. She said,
"Don't worry Kacee every things fine." I said,
"No it's not..." and Steve yelled at me. I got sick of it and screamed,
"NO STEVE! YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" he flipped. He was all up in my face pointing, and screaming telling me to never tell him to shut up that he was the adult. Then mom came between us and he stepped back. She was yelling, and he was yelling. They were arguing and to be honest I didn't know whose side mom was on. Then Grandma came in and yelled,
" Steve you should never be yelling at her like this, and do as I say no as I do does not apply!!! Kacee don't tell any grown up to shut up."
More yelling...
I went in my room and cried and cried. I herd Katie yelling. Steve said,
"I'm talking to your mom you stay out of this!!!" Katie said,
"No! You're talking about me therefore I'm in this too! ITS MY BUSINESS TOO!"
A little while later Katie came in my room and said,
"Kacee don't worry its not your fault. He is being an ass hole."
One thing he was yelling to my mom about was that all week I was out doing stuff, and not doing my chores. She flipped,
"Steve this week is homecoming there is activities all week long. She would call me and ask to stay at Jessica's so she didn't have to waste gas."
He said I was playing mind games to get her to say yes. She came unglued.
"I tell Kacee no all the time! She gave me the choice she said mom I can ride the bus home or stay at Jessica's so we don't waste gas. SHE LEFT IT UP TO ME!"

And just all this crap... Here's the real story:
A while ago Steve flipped out at me telling me that going to friends houses was wasting gas. So, instead I just started going to their houses right after school, and shill there til whatever activity I was going to started. Then, he complained about me not getting my chores done because I was at friends houses. Okay? So, I now have to ride the bus home, do my chores, then walk nine miles back to Nephi so I get my chores done and not waste gas? Or just not have any friends so he gets his way?

My mom was like,
"So, now they can't go to friends houses because you don't want to allow it? There only allowed to hang out one night a week because you have to have your way?!"
And you want to know what makes me angry? I listen to Steve's crap 24'7, but never does Kacee get to add how she feels about ht situation. Kacee's just a stupid 14 year old teenager who is brainless, and just a pain in Steve's life. Kacee's opinion doesn't matter and never will... ever. So, because Kacee's existence on earth is pointless she has to listen and do everything Steve says because he is the adult and I'm just the stupid teenager.

Steve always has to get his way because he is the man of the house, the "dad", and he knows best. He doesn't know whats best, he can't control his temper, and he is NOT my dad.
Wasn't it just a couple months ago that he told me he was sick and tired of trying to be a dad to me? That he would never do anything for me again, and the only reason he was staying was for my mom and little brother? When mom and him were telling she said,
"Steve you've already told those girls you don't want to be around them, so why are you still here? If you're going to treat them like this than just leave. They've already been through this... Don't put them through this again."

A while back we visited Colorado and Steve's mom was telling me the Steve calls and complains all the time about me. Then, she realized the glare I gave her and she covered it up by saying...
"Uh... but he sure loves you..." Wow. Am I really that bad?

Break up.

So, I broke up with my boyfriend, and because of me my parents are getting divorced.
Why do I ruin everything? I secretly want Jared back.... but he has hurt me so much, and I can only deal with so much hurt at one time....

Life & Death

In a moment it was all gone. Everything you worked for, everything you did, everything that mean't so much was lost in a thing called the past. All happy, sad, scary, and wonderful memories washed away in an innocent glance of yesterday. Healing took it's time to heal, stealing every memory to steal.
While walking down a narrow unknown hall way I noticed it to some how be familiar. I come to a door and as I look through the windows there you are. Your sweet memories flash back in an instant. You seem way more happy then ever before, so calm, so serene, and so unlike your usual self. You were talking laughing and making jokes. Thinking to myself, "Your alive! How could that be I stood over your casket trying not to cry. I held my family members when they needed me most. I sang at your funeral, but... YOU'RE ALIVE NOTHING MATTERS NOW! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" I pull on the door handle and it's locked. In a sudden all those happy feelings were washed away.
I pull, push, turn, and the door wouldn't budge. Seeing you inside just out of reach laughing, and having a great time without me. The door still wouldn't open. I broke down into a sudden. I sat there all alone and hurting. Hurting know that there is a thin distinction between life and death, and that your just out of my reach...

Rambling on...

Jealousy strikes me again. I'm so over powered by the thought. I could have sworn when I looked in they mirror today I could see myself being eating inside and out. I've got to hold it together. I've got to be strong. Never again will I shrink back to the little depressed girl that hid herself with the identity of a smile every day.
Feeling this feeling over and over again is like a little girl being told that Santa Claus didn't exist by her parents. Her parents to whom she trusted to build her dreams only to crush them in that one sentence. "Santa Claus doesn't exist." Then, that sad little girl walks up to her room slowly with tears welling up in her eyes. She sits on her bed holds her teddy bear wondering if the tooth ferry, the Easter bunny, and cupid exists.
Just as I become inches away from crossing the line of insanity his friend fixes it with one smart comment. How is it that actions and words affect me more deeply than anyone else? Why is it that I shrink in size knowing that something isn't going according to plan.
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Will someone direct me to the light that everyone talks so confidently about? Or is the light a lie just like Santa Clause?

Knowing you're with her tonight.

Sitting at my desk with my face buried in my hands. I can't seem to get over that one little detail of you and her. Taking deep breaths as I try to calm the wild judgements running through my head of you and her. Everything is getting in the way of me being with you. Why can't things for once go great without something getting in the way; there's always something.
My mind races to the times when you told me we could be together forever. Everything you told me, everything you promised me was all a lie. I get exasperated, and envious at the thought that everything came to you both so easily. I've grown tiresome of sneaking around and lieing.
I slowly get up and walk to the window. I can't see anything for the night is dark. I slowly blow warm envious air onto the cold glass. It fogs up and again I am reminded of the somber thoughts that cloud my weary head.
Nothing can or ever will go right for me. For once when the world was finally going right she gets in the way. I guess I should have taken the hints. You talk about her all the time, everything you say you wish I had was qualities she posessed, and your always with her.
Now, I sit here staring out at nothing, and silently dying inside knowing that I could have put an end to my misery. Everything I worked for, thought about, and dreamed about will soon be gone in a flash. Suddenly that nothing I was staring at out the window at became everything to me. How can nothing become everything? It's amazing how putting things in a different perspective can change who you are. Now, more then anything that nothing mean't everything to me. This nothing is what I'm crying about, and slowly dieing inside for. Because what we will soon be: Is nothing

After catching my breath...

At the starting line I was over blown with excitement. Nothing could compare to the feelings I was getting. I was ready to go, fight, and win. Thinking more highly of myself then I should have been; later came the dissapointment.

I heard the gun fire, and I started to run, and run, and run... I watched as the other runners blew past me like it was no big deal. Slowly keeping my pase I learned that I wasn't as good as I summed myself up to be...



I didn't start cross country out of my own choice; I started it because the girls on the volleyball team were stuck up and mean. I didn't want to surround myself with people who were going to tear me down. (Not you Jordan haha your a sweet heart. I'm talking about the older girls.) Still I wanted to be part of something. A kid named Jake told me to talk to the track coach. You see Jake called me a man a while ago because I could throw the shock put really far, so I took his offer in trying track. My cross country coach told me that I should do cross country to get in shape for track. So I did...

The first practice completely tore me down... I got running and my throat closed shut and I couldn't breathe. I felt like everyone on the team thought I was retarded. An easy two mile jog is what they said it was going to be. Easy my butt.

After I got medication for my throat things got a little easier. I keep going to the practices even though I was the slowest on my team. I ran alone, and slow. Slow. Slow. Slow. I felt bad... I watched as the my team members ran past me, and there I ran. Alone, and slow. I was determined to become better.

Now, there is this course we run its exactly a three mile run. We call it "The Golf Course". The first time I ran the golf course I walked all up hills, all trails, and most of the streets. So yeah... Pretty much all of it.

Well, its been two weeks and yes... I'm still pretty slow on my team, but two other girls joined and they are even slower then me! I still watch as the rest of my team zoom past me.

Well, today the dedicated runner I am. (That was sarcasm.) I asked my mom to drop me off at the high school so I could run the golf course. See in my mind I wanted to see if I could run a little more then I did the first time. I got out there and my mom and sister followed me in the car clocking to see if it was really three miles. (It is.) I ran the full three miles and I only stopped twice. My mom said when I walked it was only for a block. Then, I was timing myself on my phone, and I shook off ten minutes of my first time.

Man, I feel really great right now. Now, my mom is in the kitchen as we speak cutting up snacks for school so I can have muscle food for my body so I can get better. My mom is more excited then I am.



The thing is... I kept running because I liked the way I felt after I was done, so I kept doing it. After catching my breath I feel like I could run three miles again. :D

Sorry, I figure I should brag to my blog because no one really reads it, and I don't want to be a show off. I just... I don't know... I feel really great right now.



:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Where the weeds want me to go...

4:00 a.m. The last thing that I want to do is go to sleep. I found myself walking through fields of unruly types of weeds. In my plaid pajamas pants, my black tank top, no shoes, and no where to go. No where to go but endless amounts of fields. I feel the weeds biting at my feet encouraging me to go on, but go on to where?
Often I find myself caught up in little fantasies that never seem to make any sense. I often have no where to go but the depths of my mind where the only person who understands what I am going through is me; and half the time I don't even understand.
Confused. Lost. No where to go. With no hope to carry on. I turn back to the path that I have already walked on. A path where everything had so far been safe. I began walking back to the safety of the side walk... I finally reach the side walk and feel the cold of the night resting on cement. My feet had felt so numb, almost like the rest of my body.
I turn back in time to watch the sun as it pushed itself from the mountains. No where to go, and no where to hide. I began walking to my home as the morning glories open up to greet the sun. Maybe one day I'll find the courage to find where the weeds want me to go....

Like A Broken Picture Frame

He was alone. His wife has just gotten a divorce from him. His kids became distant from him. He had nothing. All he could ever think about was getting his wife back, and gaining back the trust of his three daughters. Every time when he tried something it always went wrong and he couldn't do anything right. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and talking to someone about his problems was out of the question; no one understands.

Months past and his depression was getting worse. Nothing could ever make the pain go away unless his wife took him back into her life. After months of trying and making things worse once again he was fighting with his wife. One night when his wife came to pick up the kids they started to fight again. His wife told the kids to wait out in the car until it was time to go.

Finally, his wife got sick of his ways and she moved the kids as far away from him as she could. Days slowly turned into nights, and he finally moved away. He found a less depressing life with a different wife and different kids. After a month of being married he was killed at a construction site.

Weeks after he died his youngest daughter was looking through his old pictures. There was one picture frame in piticular caught her eye. There laid a picture of him in a broken picture frame with a bullet hole through it.

Sorry everyone... I thought that for once I should stop writing my point of view and show you my dad's. Since he isn't here to tell the story himself someone should. Yes this really happened. My mom told me that when they were fighting he took a gun and shot his picture...

The Beauty In Me.

(Picture found on cmprather@hotmail.com)

For years I've tried, For years I've failed;
To seek the beauty my life held.
To blend in, as someone I'm not.
For months and months that's what I thought.
To cut, hide, and shy away.
The depressing thoughts spent their stay.
To have a boyfriend that was cool.
Then I would be popular with the girls at school.
For years I've tried, for years I've failed.
To seek the beauty my life held.
In all my seeking did I see,
The beauty I found in being me.

What my poem means: Everywhere I turned people were giving me hints that if I wasn't popular, had a popular boyfriend, or even cut I was pretty much a loser. So, I tried them and in the end I felt happier being myself. Pretending to be someone I'm not only made me feel like crap. I got lost in what other people thought of me that I let them control me. Even when I was dressing like someone else I was under the impression that I was being myself. I was turning into an annoying no-so-popular robot. Be Yourself, corney as it sounds it truley makes you happier.

High School...

So far, I love it. Of course really its too soon to tell but I think its going to be great. Everyone is so tall! I feel so normal. In Jr. High I felt like a freaking giant! Now I feel normal. It's great I love it. My classes are way good. I have four with Jessica so I don't feel awkward in really any of them. I always have someone there.

Now, track on the other hand isn't go so well. I got sick as you guys know and when I ran my throat was swelling shut and it hurt. So, I walked the easy two mile jog... Easy my butt. Haha... I'm going to try again now that my throat feels better. I have to take medication for it twice a day. Hopefully that will help. They had a six mile jog Saturday. haha. Of course I didn't go. :D Anyways... yeah... :D

UPSETTING!

I was pretty pumped about doing track tomorrow after school. Running to me is so much fun now. Well, Last night I woke up from a nightmare, and my throat was close to being swelled shut. Ugh. My glands were swollen, my throat hurt so bad, and it was going up into my ears. So, I don't get to jog tonight, and if it doesn't stop I'll have to get ANOTHER surgery. I'm so mad you guys don't even know.
I refuse to get another surgery. That hurt so bad, and I couldn't stand being so lazy, and staying in one spot. urgh.

Anyways, SCHOOL IS TOMORROW! I'm so excited! :D Way to be sick on the first day of school Kacee. UGH!

May I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye.

I'm so stressed and irritated right now it isn't even funny! I'm like freaking out what to get Jared for his birthday which is on the 20th and everything I try to do fails. I'm so mad right now! Not to mention the other thing I was going to get him WONT WORK because my grandma's STUPID, GAY, and RETARDED computer is so old it wont do it!

Not to mention the church wants us to go back to church. I DON'T LIKE CHURCH AT ALL! I'm sorry for those of you that love it and believe in it, but this is my blog... I can say what ever I want on it. I don't want to go back. When you have a family that is completely against it, and doesn't believe in it; Then, MAYBE you'll understand. Plus, I have a completely different insight on what I think church is...

Then, my Grandpa is really really sick. He had to get surgery last night and was in the hospital all last night. He's been in and out of the hosiptal since May because of a heart attack... He is going downhill now. I swear if my Grandpa dies I won't be able to take it. I'm so sick of close people dying in my family... You don't even know. First it was my dad, then my grandma's sister, then my uncle's best friend, then my older sister Ashleys Ex Ex Ex Ex boyfriend, then my grandpa's brothers... UGH

Alpine Slides In Park City

Going down the Apline slides with Ashley...

Haha I look like a lion

I was pretending to fall off the ski lift but i couldnt stop laughing

our feet from left to right is me, Katie, my mom (Shannon), and Ashley.

Waiting in line to get on the ski lift.

he being grumpy haha.

We us three. Parteners in crime.

my wonderful mother

Ashley and I eating breakfast

Track, Hair,Grandpa, and my dog.

Hey Everyone,
I'm doing track this year for school. I'm pretty excited. :D Running is so much fun to me now... Isn't that so weird? I crave going outside to jog, but I have to take certain days off. Which sucks because all I want is to be out there jogging. It also sucks because in the middle of the day it gets really really hot and really its no fun to jog when it's hot outside. So, I think I'm going to start jogging every morning and every night... Well on the days when I should be jogging... Yeah I know you guys are probably think I am so stupid... YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!
As you all know I dyed my hair black it started to grow out and so I asked my hair to just dye the top layers blonde so its light on top and dark on bottom... but my aunt decided she wanted to bleach all of it. BLEACH IT! Ugh, I was so mad! So, she begged me so bad, and made me feel so bad about it I just gave in and let her... Then, when I got home that night I dyed it black again. I hate blonde hair now... with a passion. or at least really really blonde hair... Every average Utah girl has blonde hair. I hate it. I don't want to be a Utah girl... So yeah, now my hair is like dead from the bleach. I'm so mad. So, this week I'm going to get the ends trimmed and hope it will get a bit more healthyier.
So, my grandpa had a heart attack in May. Ever since the heart attack tons of things have been happening to him... He has been in and out of the hopsital, I'm really worried... He's been to the hospital 5 days this week. He is currently in the hospital right now. I'm so scared. I can't have another family member die... I don't think I could handle it.
Also, today I walked into the house and my dog Frodo was on the floor. He looked like he was having a seizure. He was shivering his back legs were not working, and one of his eyes was close. I freaked out. Finally we got him to drink some milk. He seems okay... for now...

Family Reunion

My family is crazy! Yesterday was our family reunion... of course I didn't do my hair, or put nice clothes on so I looked like crap... but these pictures are worth seeing!

This is trenton.

So, my grandpa is loosing his hearing... He couldn't hear us sneaking up behind him. He thought that picture was just of him. lol.

In this picture from left to right is carley, me, tanner, (behind tanner) Tucker, Jackson Jenn, Mariah, Trenton, and Lindsey.

Sam, Tanner, Jackson, Trenton, Tucker, Katie, and Jenn... being well... themselves.

Katie with the boys.

Tucker trenton boe Jackson cody and tanner... The two tims in the back I may have gotten wrong. pretty sad I've known them my whole life and can't even tell them apart.

JESSE!

My little brother Chase :D

My mom and grandma playing for the horse shoe trophy.

Justen being well... herself.

Tucker and Trentons creation!

Slaytor and his little girlfriend.

Grandpa and Grandma.

Colorado.

I don't really feel like writing right now so I'm just going to tell you some of the things.



We stayed at my Aunt Katie and Uncle Travis's house. I know Aunt Katie isn't that so weird? I would say Katie and they both would look at me lol.



The ride sucked. haha. There and back. Friday we went swimming in this lake there. It was so pretty. We got home and had a barbecue then jumped into their hot tub.

YOU GUYS THAT HOT TUB WAS SO AMAZIN! It was so clean and the lights in it changed colors and it wasn't too hot or too cold and I found a heart shape in the sky.



Then Saturday we drove down to New Mexico and did a little school shopping. I got skinny jeans, converse's, thi weird cute orange jacket, flatts, and long socks. Haha I'm buying things this year i wouldnt normally.



Then, we drove back today.



I have a little cousin Logan he is so cute! He didn't cry once and he is always smiling. I hate kids but he was so cute!



Tomorrow my older sister Ashley flys in. Then the first week in August she is going to camp with us. No not girls camp. ick. But this other camp. It's going to be fun!

I can never say I'm sorry.

I was talking to my buddy Justin today. Justin is such a sweet kid. Justin had to get leg surgery and we were talking about him having to learn how to walk again. I was like,
"I had to relearn to walk twice." He was like,
"Really?" I said,
"Yeah, I walked through ashes bare foot, and then I got frost bite." Then, he asked what it was like... This is what I said,

"Yeah, they had to rip the skin off. Then, my dad yelled at me because I was crying. Then, he made me walk on them. :( I still can remember how mad I was at him. All he wanted was the best for me. He only made me walk on them to help me out. I was so mean to him. I'll never get to tell him I am sorry."

I didn't even realized I said that until he asked me why I can't say sorry. I got thinking about it after I said that. Now, I notice how much of a jealous person I am. I see my friend's talking about there dad's, or I see them with their dad's, and I just get jealous. I would give anything to have that happen to me again. Then, I hear my friend's and how they don't get along with their dad's. I just wish I could have that oppurtunity again.

I wish I could tell my dad how sorry I am. I treated him so badly. Last night I pulled out cards he sent me for my birthday's. They all said "I miss you" and "I hope to see you soon". Now, I am the one saying I miss you, and he is probably in heaven watching me thinking what a selfish daughter he raised. Nah, my dad wouldn't think that.

Isn't it ironic how in the blink of an eye how every thing can change? Don't you think it's crazy how much one person influences your life? Don't you ever wonder how from something that seemed so terrible at the time means the world to you later?

So, yeah. Dad if ever you're looking down on me I want you to know how sorry I am. I wish I could tell it to your face. There's so much I wish I could do better, but I can't change the past. I love you dad, I miss you, and I am so sorry.

Alaska...

You guys my cousins Vince and Crush just moved up to Alaska. I'm soo jealous i miss it so much.
I want to go back. I am sick of Utah. I want to go back so bad. And no one go and pretend to care saying that if i didnt move back you guys wouldnt have met me or that you will miss me because you're all lying. I want to go back so bad i miss it so much!!!

Hey guys I want to cut my hair like this. ITS AWSOME! Oh, and also I decided I want a lip ring. So, now it's the fight to see if my mom will take me to get one. WISH ME LUCK!

Satin's Mirrors.

One mirror shows you what you want to see.

One is based on reailty.

One is death horror, and gore.

One is happyness, love, and more.

All four is centered in a circle for you to see.

You pick one and what your life will be.

He reflects the mirrors to torture you.

He turns around what you thought you knew.

When things get good he turns them bad.

Taking the life you thought you had.

He laughs at you gently because he's in control.

Then when you die he takes your soul.

I sit here watching him play with you.

Watching him move the mirror you thought you knew.

As takes and reflects things on your screens.

Watching grows to sobs and screams.

Sitting here watching through my tears.

As Satin works his magic mirrors.

Dead Inside.

I see you through the door but I can't get through

The door is locked I scream for you.

Why are you talking you should be dead.

I looked at your corpse and kissed your lifeless head.

I cried for hours, days, and nights.

I fought through all satin's fights.

If only this door would let me through.

Let me through to talk to you.

I see you smiling if only you could see

What your absence has done to me.

I saw the light but it faded away

Now the colors turned to grey.

My arm is bleeding onto the ground.

My blood is spilling all around.

Life or death or rooms apart

I thought I cut you from my heart.

I remember that day when the worlds collide.

It left me feeling dead inside.

Okay lets get this straight...

When I flipped out two posts ago I was really hurt with what Jordan told me. People were talking crap behind my back and I was hurt. Okay? Just because I talk about Jessica all the time doesn't mean the rest of you aren't my "real" friends. Its just that no one else seems like they care as much as Jessica does. Jessica lets me come over to her house alot and is always there for me. The rest of you dont answer your phones, or live in another town. It's not like I can drive out to Santaquin every day to see Jordan. I can't because my parents have no money for gas and Jordan's parents aren't willing to give me a ride back. THAT'S ALL IT IS! My mom picks me up and back from work every day and still I have to do some walking because my mom has no gas.

I'm sorry if I made you guys feel bad. I'm just going through a tough time and Jessica is the only one here for me.

I am proud of myself you guys.

YOU GUYS I HAVE LOST A TON OF WEIGHT!!!

I weigh only nine pounds more than Katie. KATIE STOPPED EATING!!! That means I lost weight the right way. :D I had a dresser full of clothes that were to small that I wanted to be able to fit into and I can now!!! I can fit into jeans katie wears. I lost like 20 pounds. At my mom's work they have a doctor's scale and the guy weighed me and I lost that much!!! I am so excited! I still want to loose more. I weight 4 pounds less then I am supposed to. I still just want to loose like 20 more. Then, I'll be happy with myself. :D Also, I grew 1/2 an inch this summer. I am now taller than my sister. So, during all the time I was supposed to gain weight!!!! I'm proud of myself. So, we can say that my list of summer goals in completely finished!

Also, I've had people come up to me and tell me that I lost weight, that I look good, healthy, and happy. :D

Now, just to help my sister gain more muscle.